My husband is in the Army, so apparently that gives people the cajones right to call me an Army wife. Let me assure you that this is not the case. Want to piss me off in 2 seconds flat, come up to my and thank me for my husband’s service. What a joke.

First, let’s start with the whole ‘Army wife’ thing. That description is two words that depends on my husband to describe me. See the problem? Do you describe him as a ‘Consultant’s Husband’. No? Then don’t describe me in terms of my husbands career. And while we are on the subject, let me assure you, that I can provide for myself, I am successful in my own right, and even make more money than him, thank you very much. I especially don’t want my daughter to go around thinking “That’s my mom, the army wife”. Nope. I want her to think “That’s my mom- a strong, independent, successful career woman who loves her family very much. And my Dad served in the Army for blah-blah years.”

Now I have known many Army wives over the years that are all about their husbands career. Oh, they can’t possible have a job, because of the deployments. Know what? I get myself a babysitter, and trot my ass of to my job. Or maybe you see them crying as their husband leaves and returns. You know what my husbands gets? A “Don’t get shot, see you in blah-blah months” and “You’re home? Please take out the trash.” Think my husband is resentful? Think again. Do you know how many soldiers he has coddle whose wives are home going crazy, going wild, or just plain going? When he is out on mission his mind is on the mission, not what is wife doing.

This isn’t to say that the Army doesn’t rule our lives. It does. It determines where we go, where we live, how we live, separations, promotions, etc. etc. But a lot of people go through that, and they aren’t in the Army. I don’t need a Family Support Group (FSG) to get me through deployments, I just need someone to down a couple of bottles of wine with or mow my grass. If your husband is in the military and you are ALL about that, get on with your bad self. It’s just not for me.

I remember once, when my husband was promoted to Sergeant or Staff Sergeant, I don’t remember, they had me come up to the front during the ceremony and gave me a certificate thanking me for my service as an Army wife. I was LIVID. I graciously accepted the award, but told my husband later- never again. I want an award for something I DO, not for something I happen to be. It harkens back to the day when a woman was congratulated for making a ‘good match’ or being a ‘good wife’. Sheesh.

And thanking me for our service? WHY? First, I didn’t do anything, and second, my husband sure as hell couldn’t give a rats ass about ‘service’. He was an 18 year old farm boy, who barely passed high school. With a mother as crazy as a loon, a dad in prison, and the only good jobs involved factory work, he saw his chance to get out. And boy did he. In the Army he has found success that he may not have found in Northern Ohio.

(Let me digress here to say that my husband will tell you that he is not a success, and I always beg to differ. He says he hates crowds, but volunteered to be part of an organization built on team work and units and people. He says he isn’t good with people or with public speaking, but he has managed to pass every promotion board with flying colors, even Soldier of the month boards. He has worked hard, and along the way, picked up enough promotions to now be a Sergeant First Class, he has earned a Bronze Star, Army Achievement Medals, NATO medals and medal after medal. He was even picked up by a special unit, HE IS THAT GOOD. If he isn’t a success now, when the rest of his family is still barely making it in Ohio, I don’t know what is. The Army has turned him into a intelligent, articulate, capable man who gets things done. Period.)

Back to whole service thing. His thanks is that you pay your taxes, so he gets paid, and his kids go to a good public school. This isn’t to say he won’t be respectful if you see him in uniform and go up to him and thank him, we’ll just make fun of you later. And those yellow ribbon stickers on the back of your car. WHAT IS THE POINT?! You aren’t supporting the military by putting some tacky sticker on you car, you’re supporting the chinese factory worker who made it, and the big box store that sold it to you.

You probably think I am being a bitch, and, yeah, I am. (As Tina Fey said “Bitch is the new black”). But my husband and I are successful each in our own right, neither one of us is a success because the other is succeeding.

So please, don’t call me an Army wife, it’s not who I am. Unless there a discount for it. Then let me show you my military id.