Dear Retailer-

Yes, I am the mother of a tween girl, and I appreciate that you want to market stuff to her, in the hopes that she will influence me to buy her the product that you are marketing. You are partly right, but in the end I have my own criteria for opening my wallet. So if that is the way you want to play the game please let me lay some ground rules.

First, Chris Rock said it best when talking about his responsibilities as a parent to his daughter. Actually, he narrowed it down to one responsibility: “Keep Her Off the Pole”. I think that’s a good motto, so that’s a good place to start. My daughter at no time in her life will ever aspire to be a hooker. That being said, any clothes that show more skin than the average, oh let’s say, Catholic School Uniform, are verboten. Yes, miniskirts are allowed, but I shouldn’t cringe EVERY TIME there is a stiff wind. And NO ONE, and I DO MEAN NO ONE, needs to see her belly button. Why are trying to dress my daughter as if she is ready for something she is YEARS away from thinking about. Every piece of clothing MUST pass the touch your toes and raise your arms test. If you can touch your toes and raise your arms above your head and I DON’T see any skin I don’t want to see, then you are good to go. Remember my job is to keep her off that stripper pole, and that begins by not DRESSING her like she belongs on that pole.

Let’s talk fabrics. Look, I’m a child of the 80′s so that gives you a LOT of leeway. I get the ripped fabrics, leather, and distressed looks. But vinyl? Never. Suede with fringe? So not happening. See through? See, uh…no. Lace? Wait til her wedding. OK, let’s move on.

Labels- they come and go. There are few that I trust and will spend money on. I do that because of their reputation for quality, not their ability to help market the latest pop star. And dear pop star, I know that you think that you need to share your creativity with the fashion world, but, trust me, you don’t. You can barely sing, and you sure as hell can’t design clothes to make me part with my somewhat hard earned cash.

Size- I will NOT let her squeeze a size 8 ass into your version of an 8, which is actually a 4 to everyone else. So stop with the magical shrinking clothes. It’s a near impossible task these days to make a young girl feel good about her body, and I don’t need you adding fuel to the fire. So if you start slimming down your sizes I will size down the amount of money I spend on your clothes, K?

Price. I know you want to make my daughter want your item, and you think that if you price it high enough, she will HAVE TO HAVE IT. Guess what else she has to have? A college education. Between your overpriced (oh yeah, I went there) and her 529, guess which one is winning.

And then there are those retailers out there, that will never ever ever ever ever ever get my business. Let’s name names.  Hollister and all associated companies, reasons here, here, or any of these lawsuits. And Victoria’s Secret, if she needs fancy lingerie, she can get a job and buy it herself. And I won’t make her wear clothes from Wal-Mart.

So those are rules. I don’t think they’re too stringent. I make the money, not her. Market like you want, but, if you want me to buy, you will make clothes that I will actually let her wear.

Sincerely,

Mother of a tween clothes horse