Look, you want to rent your overpriced townhouse and I got cash. See how we fit together here? Don’t tell me you don’t want to rent to me because of my black lab. Here are the things I have heard you say and my responses:

1) Pets age a house. Noooo, age ages a house, having renters move in and out ages a house. My dog lays on the floor. I don’t see the connection.

2) You only want small dogs. WTF?! Have you seen the damage small dogs can do? It disproportional to their size. You have confused cuteness with appropriateness for you home. Stop it, it’s stupid.

3) You want an extra deposit. I’ll pay it, but just know that the deposit should be higher for every person you rent to that has a teenage boy. Have you seen the wreckage they can bring? It’s freakin’ amazing.

Rent me your house, you’re probably broke from paying the mortgage every month it sits empty. And, unfortunately for you, there isn’t a tax break for stupidity.