Last time I talked about Twitter, I promised y’all that I would break up my gripes in bite-sized pieces. Well, here is another bite.

But first, an aside to those of you who are like- If you hate twitter so much, why don’t you delete your account. Weeelllll, suck it. Seriously.

There are a ton of reasons why I LOVE twitter, not to mention that the necessity of it in today’s blogging world. I have made real friends on there, and, if I have to explain that to you, then you don’t get it. Which is OK. I don’t ‘get’ everything, either. But quitting twitter is not an option for me. No, I don’t have a twitter problem, why do you ask? In fact, to SHOW you I don’t have a twitter problem, I will tweet about how I don’t have a problem.

What?

Anyway, on to my bitch. The follow/ unfollow game. To understand why I hate this game you must understand one basic truth about twitter that NO ONE likes to admit to outloud- your coolness is in direct proportion to you Follow/ Following Rate. For example: The essence of coolness: 2,000,000 followers and following only one person. Yes, I’m looking at you Conan. Although, for the record, I think that your wife is funnier. Next up The Loser: 234 followers and following 1,200 people.

This is why you always see the GET MORE FOLLOWERS tweet. Why middle aged white guys with cheesy pictures, and bios proclaiming them to be ‘Social Media’ gurus actually PAY for followers. More followers =more cool points.

Now, I have real aversion to supporting anything close to celebrity. In my world, no one is hot shit but me. I don’t care who you think you are, for the most part, if I am following you then you should be following me. Period. In fact, I have a set number of people that I allow to NOT follow me, and when it goes over that limit I start unfollowing until I get below it again (’cause you want to know- the number is 40). There are lots of websites that tell you who is not following you back, but I use friendorfollow.com.

Now, here is where the unfollow jerk comes in. This is a person that follows you, you get an email, check out their profile, think OK, I’ll return the kindness and hit follow. Then, THEN, I go to the friendorfollow website a few days later and see that THEY HAVE UNFOLLOWED ME. Hey, pal, I didn’t ASK you to follow me, you did that all your own. Nothing makes madder, so, of course they get an unfollow. Homey don’t play that.

What about the people I go and follow. I don’t send DMs or shout-outs (normally) I just wait for them to follow back, and again, if they don’t in a couple of days it’s HASTA LA BYE BYE BABY.

So if you are looking to beef up your follow count, don’t come to me, unless you are actually prepared to listen to my inane ramblings, my snark, and pearls of profanity-laced wisdom. Be afraid…be very afraid.