This is a story about how puberty just comes up to you and goes BAM right in your face. So if that makes you feel icky, well…good- cause this whole MEMORY feels icky for me.

It all starts out innocently enough, my daughter was on the front steps with a friend and they are snickering over a book called “What is happening to my body?” Now, if you are not familiar with this classic, it is the de rigeur in puberty books. I was watching my son ride his bike, so I casually looked over to see what they were reading, read the cover, said ‘meh’ and went back to watching my son. I hear my daughter whisper to her friend, “See, I told you she wouldn’t care!”

She’s not saying this because she actually thinks I DON’T care, but because she knows (I hope) that I am all for frank and open discussion.

Being the true daughter o’mine that is (which means she now feels she has to one up her friend), she goes skipping off to our house to get the book I bought her. “It’s Perfectly Natural” brings open and honest to new level. And she wants to show her friend. Fine.

But then, after shower, she comes down to ask me some pretty innocuous puberty questions, and I think to myself, this is a GOOD time to get in one of those good parenting lines. (Cause I really need those extra parenting points y’all). So I go “Don’t let boys pressure you into sex or anything, even oral sex.”

And she’s all “What’s oral sex?”

WHAT?!?! I spent money on a perfectly good book that was supposed to explain this to you? Did you SKIP that chapter?!

I stutter. Sigh. Hem and haw, desperately try to buy time. I even try the “That’s not important right now…what I’m trying to tell you…”

Nope, she would not be diverted.

So I take a big deep breath, and as succintly as possible, say, “It’s when a woman takes a man’s penis in her mouth and sucks until he ejactulates.”

And then I pray, pray that this is the end of the conversation.

She thinks it over for a second and looks at me and says- “What’s ejaculates?”

I WANT MY GODDMAN MONEY BACK AMAZON!