You are annoying, please go away.

My daughter is on a swim team this year, this is her first time. I think she has the potential to be really good, but all she sees is that fact that she can’t keep up, yet. So she gets frustrated, and wants to give up. THANK YOU ex-husband for instilling that winning attitude in her.

But, yeah, she needs to practice, so we need to find a pool. And guess what? There are PLENTY of pools around for her to go to, except that they are ALL OWNED BY HOAs. Don’t know how I feel about HOAs? Well, let me tell you.

They can all go to hell. Really. They stand for everything I hate about conforming to THE MAN1. Want to paint your house lime green? I don’t think anyone should have to right to tell you different. Want to put out 5 junk cars on blocks in your weed infested lawn? You should have the right. You SHOULDN’T, but the right SHOULD be available to you.

The Supreme Court disagrees.

Nonetheless, I have tried to avoid living in places with HOAs. On the East Coast, however, they are inescapable. And now, I am subject to the Constant Friendship HOA rules, which tell me how high my grass can get, what color my siding or trim can be, and even what color my door is allowed to be (note: neon pink is no-no).

I imagine these HOAs to be run by SAHMs with no lives and too much time on their hands, and retirees whose notion of privacy is a little skewed. For the most part I am right. And a run-in with one of those HOA SAHMs occurred just the other day.

My HOA DOESN’T have a pool. OF COURSE IS DOESN’T. And my daughter’s practices are at a nearby HOA-run pool in Box Hill. I called about acquiring a membership to get some much needed pool time, but was told since I was not part of THAT HOA, the only way I could get a membership was to piggy-back on someone else’s. OK, I should be able to find someone here, right?

I ask one of the Swim Team Head Mommies. Our converstion goes something like this:

Me: Are you a member here at this pool? Because I am trying to piggy-back on someone’s membership. (look people, it’s hot outside I don’t have time to mince around with the niceties.)

Her: No, I think you actually have to live here.

Me: Well, I called and they said I could be added to someone’s membership…

Her: Really? I hadn’t heard that. I don’t think you can…I mean, we have HOA rules that a lawyer has to draft up and everything…and, no, I don’t think you can do that yet. They may be talking about it, but right now, you know, we pay HOA dues and everything…

I give her THE LOOK2. The look that says, you are a moron, go away. I also combine it with the “Who gives a flying fuck about your lawyer” sneer. She scuttles off, never to talk to me again.

Who wants to bet I will have a pool membership there by the end of the month?3

  1. And I fervently believe that they are used as a method to keep ‘undesirables’ out
  2. Don’t try it. You’re not as good as me at it. Stop it, seriously, you just look stupid
  3. Yes, there are public pools that are just as good, but they are much further away, and besides it’s about principal.
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  • http://twitter.com/MidwesternMamaH Holly Briley

    I know the hoa bitches you speak of. Growing up in a gated community we had plenty of them. Hateful, spiteful, dried up prunes. They would all gather at the pool and line the sides hanging onto the ledge with one hand and a highball glass in the other. Any attempt to get past them resulted in a “DONT GET MY HAIR WET” screech from them. Which resulted in a cannon ball from me.. right over their heads. This got me kicked out for a few minutes but it was so worth it to see them dripping wet.
    As a teenager I worked summers at the same pool as a monitor. OHHH to exact my revenge. I was on them like stink on caca . Reminding them no alcohol on the poolside premises and no drinking or eating/glass in the pool. I had them dead to rights because all of these rules were posted AND APPROVED by the hoa. Sometimes, okay a lot of times, I would get this kid who was a little butterball to dive bomb them or cannon ball them…. just for shits and giggles !! He went with it as I blew my whistle and called him out!
    The best though was when they wanted me to warm up the sauna for them. Nothing smells as bad as pee on the warming rocks…….. bwwaaahhaa. Im probably going to hell for the shit I ( and others ) pulled with them….. it would be worth it!

  • http://www.allyshay.blogspot.com ally

    My mom lives in a HOA. She actually got a nasty-gram from them last summer for having her garage door open too long. She was in there with furniture she was removing the stain from and then re-staining. So yeah, in the heat of the summer she opened the garage door so she wouldn't a.) melt and b.) suffocate in the mix of chemicals. When she tried explaining this to the HOA president he promptly told her that she should have opened the windows and very small door that leads to her house on the non-road side of the garage.

    In the meantime, HIS kids have a huge and rusty basketball net that sits at the cul-de-sac that restricts traffic and that the kids play at til 1am.

  • amydpp

    See, now THAT is the kind of thing, that makes go all tourettes on people.Seriously

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