I don’t know if you’ve heard but it’s summer. And it’s hot, so hot, in fact, that when people break out the lame heat cliches I cannot even muster the energy to slap them. I think we all lose in that situation.

Going outside takes more energy than I seem to have these days. And the CAR. Screw the environment, I’m leaving that shit running ALL THE DAMN TIME, just in case I have to go somewhere.

I should be out doing things. I mean it’s summer, I should be out taking walks with my dog, frolicking in a field of wildflowers, boating, you know all the stuff I NEVER do, and never want to do. Ever. So I stay inside, all the time. This is bad for a couple of reasons. One, we need food. Otherwise, we will be having celery sandwiches with a side of mustard for dinner tomorrow. (The upside of that? Don’t have to turn on the stove. Booyah!)

Another reason? I’m going to need to mow the lawn soon. Otherwise, the HOA will come looking for me, and you know how I feel about THOSE PEOPLE. (On another note: Today, I had to go outside to take out some trash. Among the few blades that have survived the heat wave and no rain, I found a dead mouse and rabbit leg. Proof that my cat’s killing spree continues.)

But last night, I DID have to go out. For a party, and parties mean dressing up and dressing up means spanx, and bustiers, and make-up. All the things that make being hot all the more miserable.

So today, I did not go out at all. Think meals on wheels will deliver?