My kids are at camp for the week, and I’m taking the time to catch up at work. You know, the job that ACTUALLY pays the bills. So I am featuring two guest posts. The first, today, is from Bejewell. She was among the first bloggers I read, and she doesn’t get near enough exposure. She cracks me up all the time. When she went on hiatus/ break, I silently kept hoping she would come back. And she did. But before she did, I snagged her for a guest post. Thursday will be a post from Guiltysquid. These two women deserve to be read, a lot. Go do that. Not now, AFTER you read this post:

Top Five Reasons Why This Guest Post Will Suck

1. I’m on hiatus. About three months ago I put myself in a blogging time out and sent the Bean on summer vacation.  It was my own personal version of Eric Cartman’s “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”  (And if you don’t know that reference, get thee to a South Park marathon, pronto.  Pretty sure there’s one on, somewhere.)  So I haven’t written a single word in three months, unless you count the stupid captions of the ridiculous Photoshopped pictures of the Bean doing summer vacationy-type things, which I keep posting even though my mom and a couple of spinsters in East Peoria are the only people left visiting my blog.  (And I’m not so sure about my mom.)
2. Let’s just say, I’m a little rusty.
3. I’ve been on vacation. The Bean’s not the only one taking a summer break.  I spent all last week in sunny, 70-degree San Diego with my family, doing the zoo and the beach and Walt Disney.  (And if you’re muttering “That’s what she said” right now, you are both gross AND awesome and we should totally be friends.)
4. I’m no longer on vacation. My vacation ended this weekend and I came home to Austin, Texas, where it is currently ONE MILLION degrees outside and I actually have to WORK for a living and there is no beach or love or happiness of any kind.  I would say something here about how Austin and my job and everyone in the world can SUCK IT but I’m too busy icing myself down so I don’t burst into flames.
5. I didn’t get to go to BlogHer. I want to write a clever guest post, I really do — but honestly I just can’t think of ANYTHING except how spectacularly awe-tastic BlogHer ’10 was.  I didn’t actually go to BlogHer ‘10, but I know it was the BEST TIME EVER HAD BY ANYONE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD because I cannot open Facebook or Twitter or the Internet without being smacked in the face by a zillion messages from all directions reminding me of that amazing fact.  “We all got SOOOOOO drunk at BlogHer!”  “So-and-So HUGGED ME at BlogHer!”  “Can you BELIEVE we’re at BLOGHER?!?!”  “OH NO BlogHer is over, I’m so sad I just want to CRY BUCKETS!”  Yeah, I kind of want to cry, too.  But only because I can’t actually, physically stab you in the face.  Sadly, I’m limited to stabbing you only with my mind.  And I AM, people.  Believe me. In my mind you all have stabbed faces.
6. I’m bitter and hateful and jealous and petty and mean. Pretty sure this goes without saying, but let’s just make it #5 and call it a post, shall we?