Someone once asked me if I sit around and think up new ways to be an asshole. The answer was, of course, No. Then I got to thinking. This seems like a hobby that I could really excel at, and why shouldn’t it be a perfectly acceptable hobby? No reason, that’s why.

So this week I HAVE been sitting around thinking of ways to be an asshole. Now it’s time to share. For you, my readers, I give you:

“Ways to be an asshole on the Internet”

1. Check into other people’s home on Foursquare. Anytime you bring up foursquare looking to check into your favorite liquor store, there will invariably be 10 or 12 personal residneces listed as well. Go ahead and check in- it’ll freak the people out and make them think someone is stalking them. Triple points if you steal the mayorship of a residence from someone you’ve never met, who lives in home you’ve never stepped foot in.

2. Complain about the price of gas on FaceBook, one week after you post pictures of your new SUV. You know which way gas prices are headed. This is no big surprise. Choices, people, choices.

3. Put spoilers out on twitter. Everyone seems to be on the same page when it comes to tweeting spoilers. Usually, there is about 24 hours before someone actually tweets who got voted off, packed their knives, or lost the race. Respect the DVR, people.

4. Randomly friend people on FaceBook, then delete them before they can ask you annoying questions like “Do I know you?” or “Will you harvest my farm?” Is this just me? OK, then

5. DON’T friend people on FaceBook, saying you only use it for “Family and Friends”. Just because FaceBook uses the word ‘friend’ doesn’t mean it’s some secret club. In fact, why don’t you just leave FaceBook altogether?? Save the bitching for the rest of us.

6. Complain about rich, white  people problems. Examples include: “I don’t know what to buy my nanny.”,  ”I decided to work from home so I can spend more time with my kids.”, “It’s taking TWO WEEKS longer to deliver my NEW furniture.”

7. Complain when I want to slap you for complaining about rich, white people problems.

8. Use Deck.ly (if you don’t know what it is, don’t ask, just know it’s if I see a deck.ly link I’m not clicking. You’re not special snowflake, you can use 140 characters like the rest of us.)

9. @ me on twitter and ask me to follow you. Know why I’m not following you? You have more cute symbols in your twitter profile than you do words, and one of the words you do use is Beiber, Bleiber, or other such shit. Obviously you’re a 15 year old girl. We have nothing in common. Go away.

10. Be a grammar nazi. I’m a grammar nazi, but I think we already know that I’m an asshole.

11. Fill up your Friday twitter feed with FollowFridays. I’m not following any of those people. Spare me.

12. Write a post on how to be asshole on the internet.

You’re welcome.