Not to be confused with the thug life, in any way. In case you’re talking about thugs that don’t shave their legs, then yes, just like that. Because I cannot remember the last time I actually looked at my razor and said “You know what? The 10 minutes it takes to shave my legs is totally worth it.”

I should probably work harder at ‘trying’ or whatever it is women do to get dates, but, honestly when I look at a guy and think about dating him the only thing that comes to mind is “Do I really want THAT guy farting on my sheets?” The answer is inevitably ’no’. Which sets the bar high, I admit. But, hey, a girl has to have standards.

Then there’s the whole ‘bitch’ thing. Which apparently I am, according to very close sources. Dating takes a lot of bullshit, and if you don’t know, I’m allergic. That’s kind of like saying I’m allergic to most men’s conversations and then you get to see the enormity of my problem. However, single life has its perks- besides the money I am saving on razors.

But then I have to mow my own lawn, and did you know that there are rules on how high your grass can get? Well, I do now. When a man from the HOA shows up on your front doorstep in a pith helmet telling you your grass is too high the correct response is not “How did you get past all the snakes in tall weeds?” The more you know, people, the more you know.

Also, oil changes. I would be a bad whore. You know why? Cause I would be on the street corner selling it for an oil change. I don’t know what ‘it’ is anymore but it seemed like the right thing to type there.

Who wants to spot me a $20 so I can hire someone to mow for me?