The phone is sometimes the bane of my existence. But I don’t think I could actually live without it. I do EVERYTHING on it, except actually pick up on the phone. I mean, I can check the weather in CHINA for godsakes, but have an actaul conversation? NEVER. I would like my voicemail message to reflect this. You see, right now my greeting says this;

You have reached the phone of Amy Phillips. Please leave a message after the tone, and I will return your call as soon as possible.

Everything about that statement is a lie. It’s not a phone, it’s a gadget and I’m not returning your call – ever. My greeting should say this;

Hi, you’ve reached my phone. Chances are my phone is on silent sitting in my purse so I don’t actually know you called. Or maybe I saw the number and hit ignore. You can leave a message, but I don’t actually listen to them – so the choice is yours. If you know me, then text me, tweet me, facebook me – but for love of God DON’T send me an email. Really. I already get 2,000 -3,000 emails a month. I don’t need your sorry ass adding to it. If you’re family, I’m probably avoiding you. Let’s face it, when is that last time I saw you? Exactly. If you’re one of my kids, don’t worry I’ll call every five minutes anyway, so you’ll get a return phone call for sure. If your number starts with a 800, 866, 888, 877 or any variation thereof, you’re the scourge of the earth – please go die quietly.  There’s a beep coming up, I would hang up now if I were you, before you embarrass yourself. 

Well, I would do this – except it would piss off my mother.