I know you all wish you could be as epic as me, but the truth is I don’t like to share my secrets. But today has been SO epic, such a winning day in every way, I thought to myself, I MUST share with all my wonderful readers…..

Now to have a day as great as mine you have to prepare. Here are some ways to do so;

1- Do not, under any circumstances, buy school supplies for your kids. This could be for money’s sake, time,  confusion over school – lots of reasons but don’t have a thing ready when the first day of school arrives.

2- Be as behind as possible in all aspects of your life. Let email pile up, articles go unwritten, take on too much – whatever it takes, just be REALLY behind.

3- Forget to take your meds the day before….or at least twice in a one week period. Emotions running high are a requirement.

Are we ready? Here we go…

1- Jump out of bed around 5:30. You need to get school supplies so everyone needs to be out the door by seven.

2- Rush the kids out the door without food, this will ensure maximum whiny-ness.

3- Go to Wal-Mart at seven in the morning to get school supplies. Do it while listening to two kids talk, complain, fight, and ask to leave the entire time. Be proud of yourself for keeping your cool.

4- Take the kids to Starbuck’s for breakfast, realize your oldest daughter doesn’t have lunch, get here a sandwich at Starbuck’s. Get food and coffee for all of you, have heart attack at cash register when the total is displayed.

5- Realize you don’t have any gas, glance at clock, start panicking.

6- Get gas

7- Drive your daughter to her school, along the way rear-end a truck. Once said truck is rear-ended, get out of the car with your low-cut blouse and dig up your southern accent to get out of insurance exchange. Smile at your success.

8- Drop daughter off at school, teach inventive new ways to use swear words in the Catholic school parking lot.

9- Take son all the way back to Target for the supplies you forgot to get him at Wal-Mart.

10- Drop son off at school. Sigh deeply, ignore signs that emotional tsunami is on its way.

11- Make it work, sit at desk for ten minutes before receiving call from Catholic School expressing concern about daughter’s expressed paganism/lesbianism.

12- Drive to school, prepared to stab people to fight for your daughter.

12- Be totally disarmed by princiapl’s politeness, realize they have no prejudice and are try to make sure you unique daughter fits in. This emotional roller coaster will put as close to possible to meltdown without actually getting you there.

13- Return to work to see that a (very important) online friendship has gone into meltdown. With no way to save it, feel first waves of the emotional tsunami crash on the shore.

14- Watch in frustration as your lifeline, twitter, stops working correctly….

15- End up in bathroom crying.

16- Return to desk, attempt to cover up sobbing.

17- Abandon work, putting your further behind insuring a weekend full of work. Go to pick up daughter, head home to your son.

18- Feed children a nutritious meal of McDonald’s, thereby cementing your role as mother of year.

19- Want desperately some wine and Xanax, but you are a single parent – such wallowing is NEVER allowed.

20- End up on your bed by five, sobbing, exhausted, and utterly useless.

Yes, you too can be as epic as me in these 20 easy steps! Now, go! And try to be awesome as me!