Or Why We Suck at Driving

I have been driven in Guatemala,

{We are very near this cliff edge, bus driver.}

{We have been stopped by the police. Oh, he gave them some money, they are going away now.}

I have been driven and drove myself in England;

{I learned to drive a stick with the right hand, I can’t do this with my left hand!}

{Turning right, OH MY GOD I AM THE WRONG LANE!!}

{Gas is how much?!}

I have driven in Germany;

{You always stay in the right hand land unless you are passing.}

{If you are not the the right hand land and a fast car comes upon your bumper, the correct response is not flash the finger but to turn your signal on and move to the right so he can pass.}

{Yes, there are speed limits on the AutoBahn (120k, usually).}

{To show his displeasure at this driving, the car ahead of you will turn on his windshield cleaner so it sprays all over your car. Yes, very passive aggressive.}

{You always, always use your turn signal.}

{Gas is how much?!}

I have driven in Austria;

{Oh look the Alps. OH MY GOD THIS HIGHWAY IS HANGING OFF THIS MOUNTAIN, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.}

{Very steep incline, those runoffs are in case your brakes fail. Greeeeaaaatttt.}

{How am I supposed to park my Camary in that tiny little spot??!!}

{Gas is how much?!}

I have driven in Italy;

{Did that car just drive in the ditch to pass me?!}

{Did that car just drive in the middle of the road, with oncoming traffic, to pass me?!?!}

{I need gas, is the gas station open? No? Why not, it’s three in the afternoon?! When will it be open? Why are you shrugging?!}

{Who is supposed to go next at this intersection? WHY ARE YOU SHRUGGING AGAIN?!}

{Gas is how much?!}

But, it is here in the United States, that I really understand the concept of road rage -

{I just pulled in front of a semi truck, why he is yelling and using his jack brakes?}

{I can do 30 in the fast lane if I want.}

{Pfft, snow, who cares? OH MY GOD, WHY IS MY CAR SLIDING AROUND?}

{Turn signals? What are those? I have turn signals. They are top-secret stealth turn signals. You cannot see them. So there.}

{I MUST PASS YOU TO PROVE I HAVE A BIG DICK!}

{I must drive a big car because I need to prove I am affluent. Then I will complain about gas prices.}

{Gas is too high. Do not give me a lecture on global economics and fossil fuel scarcity, if I have to pay more than a dollar for gas, it is clearly a Republican/ Democrats fault.}

I’m getting a Vespa y’all. It has to be safer than driving around here.