Stage 1- Denial; “You are breaking up with me? No, see, that is NOT how it works. I dump you, not the other way around.”
(Stage 1.5 as defined by @BmoreSex – Two Bottles of wine. This is mandatory, do not skip this step.)
Stage 2- Anger; “How dare you think I even wanted to go out with you?”
Stage 3- Bargaining; “Look, return my shit in good condition and I won’t tell your friends about that thing you like to do in bed.”
Stage 4- Depression; “I am so mad at myself for going out with you, and then allowing myself to get dumped.”
Stage 5- Acceptance; “Fine, we’re broken up. I am not even upset. No, we cannot be friends. Asshole.”
Stage 6- Being all Preachy; “I cannot believe that I went through all that. Let me make sure to tell EVERYONE, because I just KNOW they care and need to hear what pearls of wisdom I learned. Here is sermon numero uno; Don’t date assholes.”
Stage 7- Body Piercings; “Nose piercing, try number three, please.” (For the record, this time the nose piercing is doing fine and I haven’t had any the complications of the past two. pfft.)
Stage 8- Country Music; “Yes, I am listening to Dolly Parton, and then I am putting on Rascal Flatts – touch that shuffle button and I will cut off your fingers.”
Stage 9- Posting lyrics to songs on Social Networks; Anything by Adele works here. But don’t be too emo, you don’t want to embarrass yourself. Look, I’m just saying.
Stage 10- Beyonce that bitch; “You were the best thing I never had.”
Now THAT is how it is done, dude. Woman of the world, follow this 5+5 plan, and you will be over that break-up in no time flat. And if you’re not, then you can do what I do – be all angsty over twitter. Bitches love some angsty shit.
My favorite tweet of this whole time period: “Someone told me today the “I burned that bridge.” Yeah, it was called Bridge Getting Shit Upon, on the road to Getting Screwed Over.”