Except the process was entirely wonderful. Two years since the divorce I have focused solely on putting one foot in front of the other; kids, work, school, making another goddamn dinner, family, what next?
All the while I have been chipping away at my shell looking for the part of me that had disappeared while I was drowning in a failed marriage. Then came a failed relationship, and I knew I had it all wrong. I was trying to replace my missing part with another, not ever stopping to thing that it was the wrong part from the the word Go. I could not remove one person from my life only to try to plunk another in and expect him to function the same way – not without feeling the same horrible thoughts, or having the same arguments. It is like the same play with a different cast.
It was all wrong.
To be honest, I never saw the crack coming. I was still looking for Amy. Frankly, I was looking right, and it hit me from the left. Well, never let it be said that I am not a bundle of bad decisions because once I figured out that part of me that was missing I accepted it wholly. I did not think about how it would change me, my life, my psyche. Nope, I just said “Yes, this is what I have been looking for” and tried to continue on as if nothing had changed.
But everything had changed.
And, finally, I cracked.
I grieved for the person I never was, the time wasted, the words left unsaid, the bad decisions, the lies and deceit. I railed against those who would help and comfort me, those would help me be….me. I had accepted that I was the new being, but I had not evolved into her yet, nor said goodbye to the old one. However, not once as I have stepped onto my new path did I think I was doing something wrong. This new person is who I have always been, and, fuck, she is wonderful. And, hopefully soon, really, truly happy.
Dammit, I deserve it.
I would love to tell you what this change is, but I won’t. It is so intensely personal, that I must keep it to myself. (No, I am not gay, bi, a man in a woman’s body, I am not joining a nunnery, a cult, or a traveling circus. Where are your minds, people??)
All I ask as I set foot on this path that you do what you have always done. Cheer me on. And stand back, watch what I can do.