Alright, Universe, I get it. I’m not the best writer. But you have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

So ya’ll remember how I was all not going to read 50 Shades of Grey because it just wasn’t filthy enough for me? Hoo boy. Looks like I missed a really good opportunity to rant, non-stop, about how BAD the writing in this book is. That was ALL I have been hearing about it. “The writing is so bad. “

OK, I’ll bite, how bad is it I wondered? A friend was kind enough to send over some excerpts, please let me share this brilliance with the world.

“It’s nice to feel mollycoddled sometimes.”

Yes, especially if you are in Victorian England. Getting hammered by a billionaire? Not the definition of mollycoddling.

“So thank you. I mean it – and I did enjoy the massage from Jean Paul. He was very gay.”

Wait…what? That’s a descriptor now? “Yes, officer, he was blonde, tan, and gay. Should be easy to spot. He farts rainbows.”

“I am wearing one of Kate’s dresses, a black pinafore over a white blouse, and my black pumps. Very interview, I think.”

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. My eyes are bleeding. Really.

“I climb into my Audi A3 and head back to the apartment, though I take me time.”

Nope, not a typo. Really, she’s decided to slip into her inner-Cockney, I guess.

“She grins. “That’ll be the sexing!””

THE sexing? And sexing? Because you know what we lack in the English language? Verbs to describe intercourse. In fact, we lack it so much, we have to make some up.

“His hand moves down between the cheeks of my behind, and he pushes against my sex, and the full feeling is… I moan.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the worst sentence in the history of sentences. Right there.

“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack-whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”

Man, the after-sex talk in this book is steamy. A big, steamy pile of shit.

“I flush, and my inner goddess grabs a rose between her teeth and starts to tango.”

I…what? Inner goddess?

She apparently can’t say any of the words for vagina either; instead referring to it as ‘down there’. Really? You mean copher, cunt, pussy, twat, cooter, beaver, fish lips, taco, camel toe, muff, snatch, fuck hole, garage, oven, love button, penis glove, cock sock, cock pocket, JJ, hoohah, bajingo, cum dumpster, sperm bottle, goop chute, slit, trim, quim, pooter, love rug, poontang, poonanie, cooch, tunnel of love, vertical bacon sandwich, bearded clam, cookie, cooleyhopper, nookie, the pink, honey pot, cunny, vag, meat curtains, hatchet wound, putz, fur burger, box, front bottom, gash, kebab, kitty, minge, snapper, catfish, vertical smile, lovebox, love canal, nana, flower, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, deep socket, cum craver, cock squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit,laps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, piss flaps, the fish flap, he furry cup, stench-trench, wizard’s sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, cock holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle’s doodle goes, altar of love, cupid’s cupboard, bird’s nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, sugar basin, and sweet briar just didn’t work for you?

(euphemisms courtesy of the urban dictionary)

SHOOT ME. SHOOT ME FUCKING NOW.

Ladies, please do not read this. ESPECIALLY if it is your first erotica. There is some good stuff out there. This? This isn’t it.