I hate the “What if…?” game, but I can’t help playing it. Especially this week. On Wednesday, for the first time since the divorce, I will hand over my children to my ex-husband. They will stay with him for a week and a half. I need this break desperately, they need time with their dad, plus I am traveling. But that hand over will cause me to have a full scale meltdown.

What if they like being with him better?

What if he says bad things about me (he won’t, he’s a good person, but the What if game isn’t about logic)?

What if they don’t want to come back?

How would I live without my children?

What if he’s a better parent?

What if they think that the person he’s living with is better mom?

What if she’s a better cook (not a stretch considering I hate to cook)?

What if….?

What if…?

Dear God, this is going be hard.

I’m one of those people who prides herself on being able to take the truth right square in between the eyes. Yes, Jack, I CAN handle the truth. So it an be so damn infuriating to me when I catch someone in a lie. I often get a a little niggling sense when someone is lying to me, and when I do I will go to any lengths to catch them in that lie. Twice, this week I found out someone was lying to me- made for a VERY bad week.

The first was actually a small matter: I am trying to rent a new home in my area and right off the bat found a home that I liked and wanted to look at. The agent was nice enough to show me the place one afternoon. I decided on the spot that I wanted it and started the process. When I checked in a couple of days later, I was  informed me that there had been an offer on the house and, of course, the owners would rather sell it than rent it. When a couple of days later I noticed that the property was still on the MLS, I became suspicious. Now, by that time I was working with a new agent and the new agent told me that the property had not sold but that the owners had accepted another renter. The owner, OF COURSE, can rent to whomever they like, but it is obvious that the first agent did NOT process my application and did NOT present me as a possible tenant to the owner. If I had been turned down, that is fine, but to be lied to is unacceptable.

So what did I do? Tweet of course. And now, I am writing a blog post about. At the moment I am refraining from naming the company or the agent since I was contacted by VP about my tweet. I hope he is able to sort this out for me, cause if not- I AM NAMING NAMES PEOPLE!

The second was a little more complicated. When, living with someone for 12 years, you know what mood they are in when they get ‘some.’ My husband has been in that kind of move since he moved out. Plus, the first thing he did when he moved out was move his cell phone to his own account. Pretty odd for someone who said that this separation was about MONEY! Dude, your bill was 10 bucks now it’s 30 bucks? It’s about money my ass. Didn’t take long for him to mess up and leave his phone with in my reach. And what did I find? Sexting, of course. (And trust me, not good sexting either- there was one about ‘I got a goose egg” hee hee, and another one that was a little more R rated, but trust  me, NOT INSPIRED). I was really angry. I gave him lots of opportunity to tell me that he was seeing someone but he didn’t.

Here is where I always take a time out for a little perspective: Even if he was seeing this woman before we split up, she is not the reason we are not together. We made our own marriage hell on our own, we needed no outside help. Thank you very much.

Now, back to the story. At first I was really angry. And I still am, not because he is seeing someone but because he wasn’t HONEST with me. Yes, it hurts that he has found someone so soon after me, I have an ego too. But then, I remembered that this man is the father of my two children, and has done more for me then a couple of lame texts can erase. So in the end, I’m all ‘good for him’. As long as he gives the kids time to adjust I am OK with that (which means he doesn’t get to introduce them to the kids UNTIL the divorce is final).

So there you have it. Two instances of dishonesty, two similar reactions. So go ahead, lie to me- I dare ya.

Footnote: don’t leave me any nasty comments on how I invaded his privacy, cause as my dad says “That dog don’t hunt here, son.”

If you follow me on twitter or facebook then you know that my husband and I are divorcing. And if you don’t follow me, then I just told you. It’s about money. Or least we are telling ourselves about money, when really each day I look at him I want to call the police and shout- THERE IS A STRANGER HERE, AND HE IS WEIRD, TAKE HIM AWAY! After nearly 13 years together, we are such different people, I’m not sure if his real name is still John. Not that I use his name. I have so many little pet names for him, that I make sure to change it up. My current favorite is ASSHAT, which is a variation of ASSHOLE. Of course, there are the standards that never go out of style- like JERK and BASTARD. Sometimes we go international with WANKER, but that is only on REALLY special occasions. He has a special list for me to, but he likes to keep it simple, with the tried and true- BITCH.

Actually, we are not really fighting. Everything is so damn civil. When I tell the story of him asking for divorce, I will place us at the dinner table with him saying somthing like “The soup is great, and I want a divorce” and I will reply (in my retelling) with “It’s a new recipe, and I thought you would never ask!” Doesn’t that sound much better than the way it really happened? Text message. I KID. YOU. NOT. He divorced me over text message! And the best part? I was totally cool with it. Like I said, we have been ready for a while.

We haven’t told the kids yet. At the moment we are just telling them that daddy will be moving to Virginia with the Army on his own and we are going to stay in Maryland so that they don’t have to switch schools. I’m not sure if they’re really buying it or just pretending to buy it to help me get through the sheer logistics of dissolving a 12 year union.

So at the moment, we are all actors. Saying our lines at the right time with the right inflection. Today was my daughter’s birthday and we went to a restaurant of her choosing. The weirdness of it struck me when my (soon to be ex) sat down. Soon our meals will be only for 3. I think I’m ready, I hope everyone else is, because I’m not much of a performer.

Cue ASSHAT.

While what is going on right now is indeed sad and the very definition to turmoil- quit saying, “I’m so sorry”. Because I am not so sure that I am. Weird, huh?