Seven. That’s how many insults/ threats my ex hurled at me yesterday. What was the reason for this particular dust-up? I called to let him know that I had gotten a lawyer, finally. He berated me for waiting until the last minute and ruining all his ‘plans’ and when I reminded him that I have been busy raising children, well, then it got good. Let’s have a rundown, shall we?

1- On him having to produce financial documents to set child support; “You’ll get less, I’m already paying you more than I have to.“

2- On an uncontested divorce (read: he wants to get married posthaste so the Army will move them as a couple instead of separately); “If you drag this out and what I want goes away, then I’m going to make this miserable for all of us.” Already there, dude, already there.

3- Again, on the possibility of ‘dragging it out’; “All that being nice and talking to you, forget it. I’ll come up once a month and see the kids and that will be IT!“ Which would be more than he comes up now, sooooo that’s a win for me?

4- On using the divorce to get him to finally answer questions about who his living with (not because I find her so fascinating, but I want to know who my kids are spending time with; “Well, you’re crazy, how do I know what you would do. If the Army finds out, I could go to jail, and then you won’t get any money at all.” Let’s break this one down; a) No one goes to jail for adultery anymore in the Army b) if you DO get in trouble, you’re a big boy- you knew the risks c) I have no interest in telling anyone, who you’re banging isn’t of interest to me BUT who spends time with the kids…now, THAT is of interest to me. He usually counters this with “Don’t you trust me?” I’ve hemmed and hawed about answering this one outright. I do trust him with the kids, but I’m not relinquishing my rights to figure out who my kids are spending time with and, last, d) You will pay, whether you are in the Army or collecting trash.

5- On wanting to settle the custody issues DURING the divorce, instead of signing the divorce papers and let him have his way; “It doesn’t matter about the custody issues, I can sue you for custody at any time.“ Just you try it, buddy.

Other gems included;

6- “Good luck on getting anyone to stay with you.” This is a variation of the “You’re worthless” and “No one will love you but me” lines that abusers like to trot out. I am not accusing my ex in any way of being an abuser, I’m just pointing out the similarities.

7- “I’ll tell everyone how you are crazy and you used to call at the unit all the time because you thought I was cheating on you.” On this one, he may have a point. I don’t remember calling all the time, but I do remember when he came back from Germany (where he had been by himself for 3 months (I had come home early to have my son)) and stumbling over explicit emails. {{ Here’s a taste of those emails: “I had a dream last night, guess who it was about.” }} Yep, I accused him of cheating, he denies it. I say if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck….well, you get the idea. Picture it; me home with my 6 month old and 2 year old, reading emails like that, so, yeah, I may have been suspicious. HOWEVER, I think got it in his head that every time I called to see when he would be home meant I was calling to see if he was sleeping around. Anyway, it’s a stretch to say a) I called all the time and b) went crazy about it. I didn’t hear him mentioning any of that when he came home and begged me to stay with him after I found those emails. Ah, well, c’est la vie.

Seven insults.

Seven times I considered giving in and just letting it be over with.

Seven times I told myself not to be a fool.

Seven.

Today is Valentine’s Day. A lot of people like to pan this day as an overblown corporate holiday, I like to think it’s a overblown corporate holiday that celebrates love. As snarky, sarcastic, and jaded as I am somtimes – my kids teach me everyday about love. So a day filled with pink and red hearts, candy, and expressions of love is OK with me.

You might think because I’m single I would hate this day. Wrong. The year since my divorce I haven’t signed up for any dating service, asked anyone out, or even thought about what life might be like with someone new. I have been getting to know someone new – me. I kind of lost me in the marriage, child rearing, finishing my degree, starting a career, Army moves, and plain old general life. This year I have been trying to find out who I am without all those things around me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to stop working on my career or stop raising my kids, I just want to know who I am. Now. How have I changed in the last 10 years, what things do I like to buy when I don’t have to buy something that two people will agree on, what will I do without someone to censor my actions?

Turns out, I kind of rock.

There may be someone for me down the road…or not. But for today, I’ll be my own Valentine. Also? It’s OK to love me.

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I hate the “What if…?” game, but I can’t help playing it. Especially this week. On Wednesday, for the first time since the divorce, I will hand over my children to my ex-husband. They will stay with him for a week and a half. I need this break desperately, they need time with their dad, plus I am traveling. But that hand over will cause me to have a full scale meltdown.

What if they like being with him better?

What if he says bad things about me (he won’t, he’s a good person, but the What if game isn’t about logic)?

What if they don’t want to come back?

How would I live without my children?

What if he’s a better parent?

What if they think that the person he’s living with is better mom?

What if she’s a better cook (not a stretch considering I hate to cook)?

What if….?

What if…?

Dear God, this is going be hard.

I’m one of those people who prides herself on being able to take the truth right square in between the eyes. Yes, Jack, I CAN handle the truth. So it an be so damn infuriating to me when I catch someone in a lie. I often get a a little niggling sense when someone is lying to me, and when I do I will go to any lengths to catch them in that lie. Twice, this week I found out someone was lying to me- made for a VERY bad week.

The first was actually a small matter: I am trying to rent a new home in my area and right off the bat found a home that I liked and wanted to look at. The agent was nice enough to show me the place one afternoon. I decided on the spot that I wanted it and started the process. When I checked in a couple of days later, I was  informed me that there had been an offer on the house and, of course, the owners would rather sell it than rent it. When a couple of days later I noticed that the property was still on the MLS, I became suspicious. Now, by that time I was working with a new agent and the new agent told me that the property had not sold but that the owners had accepted another renter. The owner, OF COURSE, can rent to whomever they like, but it is obvious that the first agent did NOT process my application and did NOT present me as a possible tenant to the owner. If I had been turned down, that is fine, but to be lied to is unacceptable.

So what did I do? Tweet of course. And now, I am writing a blog post about. At the moment I am refraining from naming the company or the agent since I was contacted by VP about my tweet. I hope he is able to sort this out for me, cause if not- I AM NAMING NAMES PEOPLE!

The second was a little more complicated. When, living with someone for 12 years, you know what mood they are in when they get ‘some.’ My husband has been in that kind of move since he moved out. Plus, the first thing he did when he moved out was move his cell phone to his own account. Pretty odd for someone who said that this separation was about MONEY! Dude, your bill was 10 bucks now it’s 30 bucks? It’s about money my ass. Didn’t take long for him to mess up and leave his phone with in my reach. And what did I find? Sexting, of course. (And trust me, not good sexting either- there was one about ‘I got a goose egg” hee hee, and another one that was a little more R rated, but trust  me, NOT INSPIRED). I was really angry. I gave him lots of opportunity to tell me that he was seeing someone but he didn’t.

Here is where I always take a time out for a little perspective: Even if he was seeing this woman before we split up, she is not the reason we are not together. We made our own marriage hell on our own, we needed no outside help. Thank you very much.

Now, back to the story. At first I was really angry. And I still am, not because he is seeing someone but because he wasn’t HONEST with me. Yes, it hurts that he has found someone so soon after me, I have an ego too. But then, I remembered that this man is the father of my two children, and has done more for me then a couple of lame texts can erase. So in the end, I’m all ‘good for him’. As long as he gives the kids time to adjust I am OK with that (which means he doesn’t get to introduce them to the kids UNTIL the divorce is final).

So there you have it. Two instances of dishonesty, two similar reactions. So go ahead, lie to me- I dare ya.

Footnote: don’t leave me any nasty comments on how I invaded his privacy, cause as my dad says “That dog don’t hunt here, son.”

If you follow me on twitter or facebook then you know that my husband and I are divorcing. And if you don’t follow me, then I just told you. It’s about money. Or least we are telling ourselves about money, when really each day I look at him I want to call the police and shout- THERE IS A STRANGER HERE, AND HE IS WEIRD, TAKE HIM AWAY! After nearly 13 years together, we are such different people, I’m not sure if his real name is still John. Not that I use his name. I have so many little pet names for him, that I make sure to change it up. My current favorite is ASSHAT, which is a variation of ASSHOLE. Of course, there are the standards that never go out of style- like JERK and BASTARD. Sometimes we go international with WANKER, but that is only on REALLY special occasions. He has a special list for me to, but he likes to keep it simple, with the tried and true- BITCH.

Actually, we are not really fighting. Everything is so damn civil. When I tell the story of him asking for divorce, I will place us at the dinner table with him saying somthing like “The soup is great, and I want a divorce” and I will reply (in my retelling) with “It’s a new recipe, and I thought you would never ask!” Doesn’t that sound much better than the way it really happened? Text message. I KID. YOU. NOT. He divorced me over text message! And the best part? I was totally cool with it. Like I said, we have been ready for a while.

We haven’t told the kids yet. At the moment we are just telling them that daddy will be moving to Virginia with the Army on his own and we are going to stay in Maryland so that they don’t have to switch schools. I’m not sure if they’re really buying it or just pretending to buy it to help me get through the sheer logistics of dissolving a 12 year union.

So at the moment, we are all actors. Saying our lines at the right time with the right inflection. Today was my daughter’s birthday and we went to a restaurant of her choosing. The weirdness of it struck me when my (soon to be ex) sat down. Soon our meals will be only for 3. I think I’m ready, I hope everyone else is, because I’m not much of a performer.

Cue ASSHAT.

While what is going on right now is indeed sad and the very definition to turmoil- quit saying, “I’m so sorry”. Because I am not so sure that I am. Weird, huh?