Earl, the hurricane, is coming up the East Coast. Even if it weakens considerably, Labor Day weekend is pretty much shot. This is for Earl:

Dear Earl- Seriously?! You’re an asshole. The End.

P.S.- This is for you:

Dear In Charge School Person-

My kids are headed back to school. My joy and anticipation cannot be overstated. But I would be remiss if I did not point out the obvious, so here it is In-Charge Person: “WHY ARE WE LETTING KIDS OUT FOR SUMMER FOR 2-3 MONTHS?!?!” It’s RIDICULOUS.

The current school calendar was developed when the United States was still primarily an agrarian society. I don’t know about you, but I don’t FARM. I don’t even know anyone who DOES farm. So, thanks, but no thanks, I do not need my children home to help with the crops.

Essentially, summer is one big headache for me. Many days, if I manage to be home from work, it’s too hot to do anything. Maybe you think camp would be a good experience for my kids? I agree. Want to pay for it? Sleep aways camps starts at $300 a week and only go up dramatically from there. As a single parent, that is out of my reach. We aren’t doing a whole bunch of vacationing either. There is no summer house in the Hamptons, no grandparents to visit for a extended period of time. Vacationing is too expensive and extended visits lead to homicide.

How about we restructure our school calendar to reflect our change in societal structure? We are now a post-industrial society, and that fact every year for 10-12 weeks I  am required to shift around every one’s schedule because 100 years ago, most families needed their kids home to farm, is just wrong.

Let’s move to year-round schools, or the “9 weeks on 3 weeks off” structure.

Because honestly? These kids are on my damn nerves.

(Honestly, I do believe in year round schools, but to be fair here is an article that has both the pros and cons.)

I know that all of us have worked with some real douche nozzles in our time- we could spend days trying to one up each other on the people who are paid to walk to halls of our company and spread their particular brand of asshat-i-ness. But we can take a moment to honor the person who has THE most onerous co-worker EVER. Hoda Kotb. For those that don’t know Hoda co-hosts the 4th hour of Today with Kathie Lee Gifford. Yes, that’s right Kathie. Lee. Gifford. Every time I see her I have to ask, “Is this woman EVER sober?”. And with a guest? Oh man, no guest can get a word edgewise with this woman. She’s a train wreck. I feel so sorry for Hoda every day, so, so sorry that I had to post this tweet…

OK, it should have been ‘over’ not ‘off’, but you get the idea. So many people were like “I know!” that I had to make this (this is for you Hoda, just know that every day we go off to work we say to ourselves- “At least we don’t work with Kathie Lee”, way to take one for the team, Hoda.)

To the designer who said it was OK for women OF ANY AGE to go out in public in pants, shorts, whatever with words imprinted across their butt: You are the worst person ever.

Not even exaggerating.

Who tells these women “Of course, I take you seriously. No go outside and jog with Aeropostale on your ass” or “You have Susan across the back of you jeans. Does that mean you have a separate name for your ass or do you just REALLY like your own name and like to see it everywhere” or, my personal favorite “How adorable is my 7 year old with the word cutie across her butt? In two years we’ll move her up to the ones that say hottie, because we are awesome parents.”?

For the love of all that is holy, please don’t wear anything across you ass; at best you look like a bimbo, at worst you are calling attention to an area that maybe needs a little less of the spotlight.

When you are running a booth at a conference, and have access to the email list of attendees, it is PERFECTLY acceptable to send an email to those attendees to try to drum up interest in your booth and/ or product. But here are some guidelines when writing those emails:

1- Don’t write them like you just discovered all the cool things you can do with fonts. Make that noun green! Underline that one! Make that one red and italicaized! My daughter can write more professional emails than that.

2- Are you sure I care about your product? Cause you’re about 9 years too late since the last time I cared about breast pumps or sippy cups.

3- Are you tied in to a party I wasn’t invited to? Yeah, I’m a little resentful and jealous. Unless you’re handing out diamonds at your booth, I’m not coming.

4- Did you call me a Mommy Blogger in your email? Anytime I swear for five minutes after reading an email, it’s usually a sign that we are NOT going to hit it off professionally.

5- Does you message clash with mine? Well, OK, technically EVERYONE’S message clashes with mine. I’m like the plaid of blogger messages. You can’t ever find anything that goes with it. But still.

My point is, don’t spam me- TARGET me. And if I’m not in your target, it’s perfectly OK not to send me an email. We aren’t going to connect no matter what you do.

…

Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t care what’s in your email. I plan to spend all my time at the bar anyway.

Just heard today that they are making a reality show about Mommy Bloggers, and appartently they are going to be ‘casting’ while at BlogHer in couple of weeks. Now you just know I’ve got some issues with this. Let me spell them out for you:

1) Again, it’s that stereotype that if you are a female and a blogger then the only way to get noticed is to be a Mommy Blogger. What a crock of shite. Too many female bloggers are getting pushed to the side because they choose not write about their progeny’s latest/ cutest/ bestest first step/ first haircut/ first step/ breastfeeding. I don’t have anything against MommyBloggers, but for THE LOVE OF PETE, can we reconginze that there are lots of great female bloggers out there, doing all kinds of blogging- instead of focusing on this ONE clique. Ugh. Double ugh.

2) Ever been around Mommy Bloggers? They are like sharks in the water when they smell blood. You think the Real Housewives series women are vicious? You haven’t seen ANYTHING. Is this REALLY the face we want for bloggers? I know tons of  bloggers: mommy, daddy, techie, sex, etc. They are all wonderful and drama-free. Think those will be the type chosen for this series? THINK AGAIN.

3) Will they be chosen for their writing ability or their selling ability? Hey, just asking.

Stand by for LOTS of snark, complaints, and insights into this little slice of heaven.

Dear Amy,

If, before you fly off the handle about something, it would reeeeeaaaallllll nice if you would wait and get the WHOLE story. Because, when you get aggravated, you take it out on twitter, facebook, the dog, your laptop, and one unsupecting driver who may or may not have been driving 2 miles below the speed limit (new rule: no video tape- didn’t happen).

Also, do not fuel your rage with a large iced caramel latte (no whip) from Dunkin Donuts.

And then to find out it was nothing? What a WASTE of good righteous anger. A WASTE, I TELL YOU!

Last, avoid Twitter when something as inane and awful as “The Hills” finale is on. Tweeting obscenities to people who are talking about The Hills is not conducive to your inner chi. (Although, you are CERTAINLY within your rights and NO ONE blames you.)

Thank you-

Yourself