Good morning, Baltimore!

Baltimore on Glass

Cat food. You may not know this, but apparently this stuff is crack to cats and dogs. And I am not talking about the dry crunchy stuff, no, no, no this is what is called GUSHY FOOD.

Now, I love my pets. Well, 3/4 of them anyway. (WHAT?! One of them keeps peeing on the carpet, judgy mcjudgerson! He needs to go to cat heaven.) Like I was saying- love my pets, but none of them rate Gushy food. My daughter disagrees. She loves buying the wet food for the cats. And they love her for being a sucker.

And the dog? Well, he just wants a piece of action.

Our first mistake was to buy the food in the little packets. Oreo would get the empties out of the trash and gnaw them trying to get a taste. Then he moved up to getting the full ones and gnawing on those. Mmmm, tin foil flavored cat food.

Whatever. I got your number dog.

Next up we bought the cans. Remember how I complained about stepping on Legos? Yeah, those are nothing compared to cat food cans. Oreo slinks downstairs (in the middle of the night), gets a can and carries it around in his mouth. He doesn’t make a mess. He can’t chew the can open. But he carries that unopened can in his mouth as if to say, ‘Bitch, I am two opposable thumbs away from DINNER TIME.) So now instead of Legos all around the house, I have cat food cans from the top floor to the basement.

Next up, cat food cans full of Legos.

It’s not a dresser, it’s a multi-level cat bed.

Cookie in Repose

It’s time for the 2011 wrap-up. I know I’m late getting this done, but my main blogging laptop had an accident. An I-can’t-read-the-screen accident, so I had to wait until I could pull off my photos and such. And here we are!

Posts first-

Most popular posts

1. My take on the Japan disaster and whether or not you should donate.

2. How I got my feelings hurt, and then moved on.

3. Where I gave my daughter some very un-Cleaverly advice.

4. Y’all liked my letter to nameless PR people everywhere.

5. Of course, any mention of my sex life brought out the readers.

And, of course, my favorite part of the year, 2011 in photos. Enjoy!

2011 In Photos from Amy Phillips on Vimeo.

Man, I really hate to bust this out on y’all. And I know it is going to generate a whole bunch of hate. But when you’re wrong,you’re wrong. And, in this case, you are definitely wrong. Why? Because I say so. And history. History says so, so you can just shut up.

Here is how it starts – Southern Living is having an online poll called “Vote for South’s Tastiest Town‘ and on the list they include such Southern towns as New Orleans, Raleigh and Charleston. All sorts of no-brainer in terms of Southern towns. Here is where it gets good- they included Baltimore.

Well, just back it up there a gosh-darn minute. Baltimore? Yep. Baltimore. Whether you like or not, Maryland is a southern state. And, OF COURSE, people do not like it.

Here are some of the comments;

How is Baltimore a SOUTHERN town?

it’s not da south, it shouldn’t be on the list… period.

It’s the Mid-Atlantic, but since people seem to want either North or South, it’s the South – South of the Mason-Dixon line which is the line separating North-South.

They’re still stuck on the Mason-Dixon Line.

Maryland is a border state, not a Southern state.

Baltimore? Can we stick to Cities that are in the Real Southern part of the states and not southern North America. That line was drawn when colonial america thought anything below South Carolina was an undeveloped foreign country. Lets be real. Baltimore is as northern as NYC and Wash. D.C….

There are several good points here. Baltimore is more culturally Mid-Atlantic than southern as evidenced by our significant lack of trailer parks. HOWEVER, history is on Maryland’s side here. Here is my disclaimer: I don’t give a rat’s ass whether Maryland is Northern or Southern, and no one asked me. But if your whole argument is “It isn’t Southern because it’s not Southern enough for me.” Well, then, allow me to set you straight.

Maryland is below the Mason-Dixon line. This makes it a Southern state. End of argument. No one cares if culturally it is like DC or NY, historically and geographically, Maryland is part of the South. Don’t like it? Don’t care. Think we aren’t Southern enough? I am totally OK with this. You keep all of your ‘Southern’ traits the hell away from me. Remember, I am from Kentucky, I have had enough ‘South’ to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.

Now it is time for your boring history lesson, you can leave now if you don’t want to whole “Why the Captial is in DC.” lecture.

The basic reason our nation’s capital ended up where it is was that key Southern leaders WANTED it that way.The story is often told of how the change took place, supposedly as a result of a compromise made at a dinner party involving Madison (proponent of the Southern view and an important leader of the Jeffersonians [later the 'Republican Party'] in the House) and Alexander Hamilton, a Northerner (of New York), Federalist and Washington’s Secretary of the Treasury. Supposedly, Hamilton offered Northern support for the Potomac capital in exchange for help (or at least not blocking) his financing plans in Congress (esp. the federal assumption of the war debts of all the states, along with the First National Bank).

In fact, it is not certain the decision took place quite that way..though it makes a nice story!

A key factor that should not be overlooked was George Washington’s own preferences. His personal popularity in both sections added great weight to his desire that the capital be located on the Potomac, near his home at Mount Vernon. In fact, the Residence Act left it to the President to chose the specific location.

Note also that the Residence Act provided for Philadelphia as the temporary capital for 10 years, while arrangements were made for building the District of Columbia (named “Washington” in 1791, though its namesake avoided using that name). It is claimed that this piece helped secure passage, in part because some Northerners (esp. from Pennsylvania) believed the Potomac plan would ultimately fail and Pennsylvania would end up hosting the capital permanently.

[source] (Yes, this source is from Yahoo answers, but the person who provided the answer also provides reference material for checking facts in other places

Legos. I have a love/ hate relationship with legos. I think the pluses should be obvious; encourages creativity, fine motor skills, building skills, etc.

But the HATE? Oh, I have Lego hate.

First, I have been stepping on Legos for a decade now. I swear I am going to make flip-flops made of the from the Lego brick material, so that as I walk around I just add more height. I swear they hide in the carpet. I vacuum those little bitches up. Too bad, so sad.

But that isn’t the worst. No the worst is birthday and Christmas. My son only wants two things: Legos and Video games. Fair enough. So my husband decided to get Trace two BIG Lego sets for Christmas. And OBVIOUSLY he can’t put them together at his house, because they will break in transit.

OF COURSE THEY WILL.

So that means it is up to me to put those things together.

My son is interested in helping for the first hour or two, but by hour five hunched over looking for the smallest little piece known to man he has long wandered off.

There I am, on floor, holding some huge Halo flying creation, looking for a piece that I know he won’t even miss. It is then when I change my philosophy. My mantra goes from ‘follow ever direction down to the last detail’ to ‘close enough’.

You’ve heard of Google translator, right? Today, I am going to introduce you to the ‘Amy Translator’. Much like the Google version, I will put in common phrases and then you will get a glimpse of what someone with my crazy brain actually hears when you utter this drivel.

Ready? Great, let’s go.

What I hear:

Live your joy!

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

Quit whining about your dead end job and be glad you get a paycheck, buddy!

What I hear:

Helping others succeed!

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

Couldn’t succeed on my own so now I take your money and tell you how to avoid all the mistakes I made.

What I hear:

Community Builder

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

I tweet a lot.

What I hear:

PR Friendly

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

I wouldn’t dream of writing anything negative, anywhere. Also, I am a swag whore.

What I hear:

Living my passion

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

Trust fund baby.

What I hear:

Brand builder

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

I get paid to talk about products I don’t really care about.

What I hear:

I am influential

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

(Hahahaha, who am I kidding? Nno one believes you when you sprout this shit).

What I hear:

You are such an inspiration.

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

Tell me more about your pain, so I can feel better about my crappy life. Because, hey, at least I’m not you, right?

What I hear:

Mom to missperfectpants and mrhandsomeboy

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

I gave up my identity when I became a mother. I stay at home because I am a white middle-class mom who can afford to do so, but I am going to call it a ‘choice’. I receive validation only through what my kids achieve. Also, I am better parent than you.

What I hear:

Ignoring the haters.

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

I am oblivious to everyone but me.

What I hear:

No matter what anyone says we’re going to make it! I love you [insert current husband here].

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

We will be divorced within a year.

What I hear:

Photographer

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

I got a DSLR for Christmas and now I think that certifies me as someone who should be charging for photos.

What I hear:

Professional Blogger

What it actually means (according to the Amy Translator):

Stay at home mom.

That’s all I could think of for now, but if you have any more phrases that you think sound like maybe they could really be code for something else, don’t hesitate to let me know in the comments.