Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-09-10 02:02:33 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Three months.

I broke. I was doing the whole ‘WE ARE NOT HAVING T.V.” and I cut the cord. I had Netflix and Hulu, what else could I possibly need? Apparently, I need mindless entertainment 24 hours a day.

I made it three months, two of which my kids were not present for. The silence was awesome…until the kids wanted to me to entertain them. What do I look like? A parent? Ahahahhaha, no….seriously.

My son discovered YouTube, and every inappropriate video on said website. I figured that I would rather him watch ‘Deadliest Warrior’ for the umpteenth time then….well, I can’t even talk about it.

So I made it three months without cable TV.

Also? The return of Walking Dead had nothing to do with my reconnection of cable.

YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING!

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-08-23 02:47:29 GMT. 1 comment. Top.

I’m not saying bloggers are predictable…..

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-08-17 15:36:47 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

The Hobbit in 3-D?

No.

Just……………….no.

The Hobbit is a sacred text. You do not fuck it up by slapping your 3-D on it. Peter Jackson, I am narrowing my eyes at you in disapproval. I know TONS of people super excited for this movie, and not ONE plans to see it in 3-D.

And let me just say….(courtesy of my friend over at (aka Laverne);

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-08-13 01:08:35 GMT. 3 comments. Top.

I should have something profound to say about Chick-fil-A, something to make the argument and let you know I stand on the side of right. But, honestly? Who fucking cares?

Bigotry is the bailiwick of people whose generation is dying out. That is what will happen. Same sex marriage is going to happen, no amount of money the Chick-fil-A Chief Asshole can through at a cause to try and stop it, it’s happening. It’s going to happen everywhere eventually.

People my age and below (for the most part) don’t give two shits who marries whom. Truly. Let the bigots die out. Love who you want, marry who you want, just let me try and stop you.

They can’t.

They’ve already lost.

And quit eating their food, K?

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-09-16 01:12:29 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Sally Ride died.

Over the next few days you will hear a lot about this woman, and how she inspired a whole generation of girls.

But what you may not hear about is a very real injustice going on.

You see, Sally Ride had a partner of 27 years, Tam O’Shaughnessy. Tam and Sally were, by all accounts, a loving, devoted couple.

Ms. O’Shaughnessy won’t receive widow benefits. Because our country is STILL trying to deny that love exists between same-sex couples, usually  on the basis of some outdated theological nonsense. She deserves the honor and respect any widow or widower would get from NASA, and if NASA had some balls, they would do it anyway.

Our country, as whole, lacks a set of balls.

To  Ms. O’Shaughnessy I say.

Your spouse was an extraordinary American, and we are all a little worse off today because she has left this world. But we know great achievements are not done in a vacuum, and just like we honor her service, we honor yours. Our thoughts and sympathies go out to you. 

Some days, America makes me cry.

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-07-09 00:10:30 GMT. 1 comment. Top.

Alright, Universe, I get it. I’m not the best writer. But you have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

So ya’ll remember how I was all not going to read 50 Shades of Grey because it just wasn’t filthy enough for me? Hoo boy. Looks like I missed a really good opportunity to rant, non-stop, about how BAD the writing in this book is. That was ALL I have been hearing about it. “The writing is so bad. “

OK, I’ll bite, how bad is it I wondered? A friend was kind enough to send over some excerpts, please let me share this brilliance with the world.

“It’s nice to feel mollycoddled sometimes.”

Yes, especially if you are in Victorian England. Getting hammered by a billionaire? Not the definition of mollycoddling.

“So thank you. I mean it – and I did enjoy the massage from Jean Paul. He was very gay.”

Wait…what? That’s a descriptor now? “Yes, officer, he was blonde, tan, and gay. Should be easy to spot. He farts rainbows.”

“I am wearing one of Kate’s dresses, a black pinafore over a white blouse, and my black pumps. Very interview, I think.”

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. My eyes are bleeding. Really.

“I climb into my Audi A3 and head back to the apartment, though I take me time.”

Nope, not a typo. Really, she’s decided to slip into her inner-Cockney, I guess.

“She grins. “That’ll be the sexing!””

THE sexing? And sexing? Because you know what we lack in the English language? Verbs to describe intercourse. In fact, we lack it so much, we have to make some up.

“His hand moves down between the cheeks of my behind, and he pushes against my sex, and the full feeling is… I moan.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the worst sentence in the history of sentences. Right there.

“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack-whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”

Man, the after-sex talk in this book is steamy. A big, steamy pile of shit.

“I flush, and my inner goddess grabs a rose between her teeth and starts to tango.”

I…what? Inner goddess?

She apparently can’t say any of the words for vagina either; instead referring to it as ‘down there’. Really? You mean copher, cunt, pussy, twat, cooter, beaver, fish lips, taco, camel toe, muff, snatch, fuck hole, garage, oven, love button, penis glove, cock sock, cock pocket, JJ, hoohah, bajingo, cum dumpster, sperm bottle, goop chute, slit, trim, quim, pooter, love rug, poontang, poonanie, cooch, tunnel of love, vertical bacon sandwich, bearded clam, cookie, cooleyhopper, nookie, the pink, honey pot, cunny, vag, meat curtains, hatchet wound, putz, fur burger, box, front bottom, gash, kebab, kitty, minge, snapper, catfish, vertical smile, lovebox, love canal, nana, flower, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, deep socket, cum craver, cock squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit,laps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, piss flaps, the fish flap, he furry cup, stench-trench, wizard’s sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, cock holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle’s doodle goes, altar of love, cupid’s cupboard, bird’s nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, sugar basin, and sweet briar just didn’t work for you?

(euphemisms courtesy of the urban dictionary)

SHOOT ME. SHOOT ME FUCKING NOW.

Ladies, please do not read this. ESPECIALLY if it is your first erotica. There is some good stuff out there. This? This isn’t it.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-07-05 03:16:57 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Before there were cell phones where your child could tell you their every move, before there were 200 cable channels, before local channels started the having two-hour blocks of news (and here is the story we ran last hour because WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH NEWS FOR THIS MUCH TIME GOD HELP US!!),  before there was helicoptering parenting – there was me on my own every day after school for 2+ hours. And Andy Griffith.

I was able to walk home from school, and my dad always worked until after 4:30 or 5 (I can’t remember), and I had the TV to myself for like a WHOLE TWO HOURS.

It was heaven.

Except – all I had were broadcast channels and the only thing they were showing at 4:00 were re-runs of really old shows. Namely, The Andy Griffith Show.

I am pretty sure I have seen every episode. It was silly, funny, corny, and hopelessly dated by the time I saw it in the early 80′s. But I still loved it. You might think I look upon the show with some nostalgia, wanting to live in a place like Mayberry with people like Andy Griffith.

hahahahah….no.

Anyway, Andy Griffith died and for the first time a real, actual piece of my childhood died. I am mad as hell. This getting older stuff is complete  bullshit.

Side-note: Remember how I told you when I younger and I would call my mom, her first question would be ‘Are you pregnant?’ Yeah, now anytime I complain about….well, anything her response is – ARE YOU GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE? Uh, no…mom, but thanks for trying age me more than my 39 years. Love you for that!

Yeah, so Andy Griffith died. I’m bummed.

(Andy Griffith and menopause in the same post? That’s talent, folks. PURE TALENT.)

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-06-28 04:32:41 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Have ever seen footage of someone finishing a really, really tough marathon? Not the experienced people who come in all happy and shit like running 26 miles is not TOTALLY FUCKING CRAZY, no, not those people. The people who finish farther back?

How about the ones who crawl across the finish line only to collapse once they get there?

Yes? No?

Look, doesn’t matter, just picture that in your head.

Now, picture me in the Baltimore’s airport last week, running to the gate (LATE, OF COURSE) trying to get my kids on a plane to Raleigh to see their dad. As we get to the gate the woman says, “We almost gave away your seats.” And that was funny, because she said almost like she didn’t believe I would turn into the Incredible Hulk if my kids hadn’t gotten on that plane. See the humor? I did.

The plane pulled away from the gate and I felt like that marathon runner.

I had survived. Survived it all; Cheyenne turning 13, avoiding ‘The Talk’ with my son (hey, I did Cheyenne’s, his dad got to handle that one) the school year, appointments, more appointments, early morning “I need this for school” runs, clothes, illness, OMG! MOM MAKE HIM STOP LOOKING AT ME!! fights between those two.

Everything. I survived. I want a damn medal.

Cheyenne called last night saying she was ready to come back home.

I just started laughing hysterically.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-05-26 23:24:24 GMT. 1 comment. Top.

Well, it has started. Because I don’t EVER learn. I am watching ladies worry about BlogHer and what to wear.

OMG SHUT UP.

No one cares. And don’t give me that shit that you “Dress for you” because unless you sit at home in four-inch heels, a new dress and perfect make-up while you are watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ then no, you AREN’T dressing for you. Women NEVER dress for anyone but other women. Men, just deal and get over yourself.

I tried to be quiet, I did, but finally I had to speak up. Now, I am not saying you should go around at a professional conference wearing yoga pants and slippers, and I am not saying that I won’t be doing that, either – I am just saying ‘No one will remember you.’

Except, then I remember I DID remember two people from the 2010 Blogher, so I thought I would give some advice.

“Here is my smartass two cents – no one cares what you wear. I only remember two outfits from ’10. One was the ‘Sun’ guy from the Jimmy Dean commercials, and another was a sex blogger who had shoes with heels made from anal plugs. Unless you are wearing either of those two things, don’t sweat it. We’re too old for that shit, y’all.”

Keeping it real.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-05-12 00:42:16 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

If you are related to me or EVER want to look me in the eye again, please stop reading this right now.

I mean it. Right damn now.

Shoo!

Everyone else? I have a confession. I LOVE printed smut. There I said it. I have been known to in my younger years to delve into a romance novel or two or one hundred. I used to be really embarrassed about it, mainly because my ex-husband considered it some character flaw. Only horrible women read ‘those’ books, and horrible women were horrible mothers – uh, childhood trauma much there, dear?

Needless to say, I didn’t read them as much as I would have liked. But that was okay, because it wasn’t too long before the average run-of-the-mill romance novel seemed tame. Very tame. I dipped my toe into some racier romance novels (read: erotica) and I nearly salivated with delight. Still I didn’t read more than one or two, not the kind of book you break out at lunch time.

I love words and I love words that describe sex, and I ESPECIALLY love words that graphically describe sex in great detail. Think all good writers are chasing after a Pulitzer? Think again. Give me a writer who can keep me enthralled and excited about a relationship, throw in some hot sex scenes, not sound trashy or redundant and I will show you some good reading.

I recently stumbled upon some writers writing really good smut in very odd places. It inspired me to write my own. And ladies and gentlemen, what a breakthrough. I have always wanted to write, always wanted to write a book – who knew the thing stopping me was the inability to put aside my inhibitions and write some good, down and dirty smut? (Mom, I know you are still reading, because you DON’T LISTEN and I assure you the book I am writing is not erotica. Sheesh.)

Sadly, my book won’t have as many sex scenes as smut readers may like, but it will have a great story and, yes, some hot sex. I have an archangel to thank for that.

(Didn’t know there was an archangel of smut did you? Learn something new everyday. It’s Gabriel. Archangel of Wonderfully Written Sex Scenes. Excuse me, the Pope is calling to confirm that.)

ANYWAY. I have a point. What was it?

Yes, erotica. There is this new book out, ‘50 Shades of Grey‘ and apparently it has all the suburban housewives atwitter with…ahem…excitemnt. I planned to read it. How could I not? But a friend on twitter said it was only OK and recommended something she calls ‘filthy’. Sweet heaving breasts of desire, I had to have it. I forgot all about that 50 shades of crap and went out and bought ‘Carrie’s Story.’ From Amazon. Online.

I should mention here that my kids like to open every package that enters this house, no matter the warnings not to do so, on the off-chance it is for them. Since they get home before me, I have little chance to intercept this forbidden activity.

I think we can all see where this is going.

I arrived home a couple of days ago to the two books I ordered (I also ordered ‘Now Let Us Praise Famous Men‘) shrinkwrapped, the smut novel covered with the order form and still in its wrapping.*

Whew!

Cheyenne only mentioned that there my books had arrived and the kids went on their merry way, their innocence of such filthy books still intact.

Until it was bedtime and I went downstairs to get the books and take them upstairs. My daughter was sitting at the kitchen table, she just looked at me and smiled.

“Oooooh, mom, reading erotica.”

Busted.

I regret nothing.

 

*What I didn’t know was that the order form listed the books and their ‘category’; ‘Carrie’s Story (1 each. Erotica) Thanks Amazon.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-04-30 00:44:54 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

I am seriously walking around with a pissed off attitude lately. I know what you are thinking – ‘What else is new’, amirite? But just lately….ugh. Look. I don’t ask for very much, just do what you say.

Let me repeat that.

DO WHAT YOU FUCKING SAY.

People depend on you. Too bad if you made a deal you regret later on, put on your big girl (or boy) panties and you deal.

Like this month. I have two weeks of training coming up this month. I haven’t gone to training in a while, but I need some certifications to move forward so I have GOT to go. Unfortunately, the weeks aren’t consecutive, but…eh, it happens. Now, I do the reasonable thing and call up the kids father and say, “Hey, you have the kids only a couple of weeks out of the year, surely it won’t be a problem for you to come up for one or both of these weeks and, you know, be an ACTUAL fucking father to your kids.”

I should have known better.

He couldn’t come up because he new wife was upset that he was spending time ‘with his ex.’ Apparently, Einstein missed the part where I was going to be gone to training.

Now, I have to take both the kids out of school for two weeks and send them to my best friend so she can watch them.

Life is awesome.

Then my newly ex-boyfriend lied to me like twice in a row.

Y’all I am tired of having my chain yanked. And I am just tired. I feel I have lost the ability to write, to be funny, to laugh, to be myself.

Assholes need to be tattooed. Those fuckers need to be easily identifiable. But that is another post. Excuse me while I go and buy train tickets for my children.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-04-26 00:41:38 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

I hate that our view of the world is skewed by a few paragraphs of news, or a terrible movie. I saw this and had to share. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. (Yes, it is in connection with a charity and no, I am not going to ask you for money. This is not a sponsored post. Just…a different view.)

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-04-15 17:02:30 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

I always hate to preface a post with ‘it isn’t that I don’t care….’ but I find myself doing just that. (I can hear you now. ‘Amy, you don’t care. Don’t even act like you are trying.’ Well, I AM. Trying, that is.)

It isn’t as if I don’t care….but I am SICK to death of hearing of the Titanic.

Can we stop already?

Yes, it was a tragedy and I am sad that it even happened but I stand by my opinion that its historical significance is completely out of proportion with the amount of attention the whole thing gets.

Then there was the screenshot going around of a whole bunch people who didn’t even know the Titanic actually existed;

 

Look, I am the first one to stand in line and rail against what people under the age of 25 don’t know (first up, how to spell ‘though’) but, again, if I was teaching a class I am not sure I would cover the disaster. While it did have long lasting implications for maritime law and standards, from a history persepctive it is a small blip.

(On another note, who remembers growing up with one of the biggest mysteries being “Where is the Titanic”? The inability to locate the wreckage was considered one of the a huge THING. Like, it has just disappeared. WOOOOOOO. Then they found in the late 80′s. Mystery solved.)

So if we could all stop kvetching over what happened 100 years ago, I would be mighty happy. Because, I don’t know if you noticed, we got plenty of problems in this era that could use that attention.

P.S. James Cameron, I blame you for all this shit.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-04-09 21:58:53 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

Well, it’s official. I am bat-shit crazy. Yep. I have decided to go to BlogHer again. Remember my last time was fraught with me  hiding in my room, caught in spiral of depression? Yeah, good times….good times.

I know I have my disagreements with BlogHer, but, in the end, they support women writers so I do not mind giving them my money. Plus, a trip up to NYC never hurts. I am doing several things differently this time, and I have made a list;

1. Realize that the content is not up to par, and skip most sessions.

2. Realize the Expo Hall will be full of PR reps catering to SAHMs, and try not to be offended. TRY, probably not succeed.

3. No new clothes. Everything is new to people I have never met before, anyway.

4. Stay on the outside. I think last time I worried too much about fitting in, and it increased my anxiety even more. This time, I will stay on the outside, it is where I am most comfortable. Crowds give me hives.

5. Get away from the conference. I will grab a show, spend an afternoon at Central Park, go shopping in Chelsea….but I WILL get away.

The best part? I finally get to meet my oldest and dearest twitter friend, Ashley! Stay tuned for all the crazy, you know you love it.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-03-29 12:59:04 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Also titled, How about we drink a glass of Grow the Hell Up?

I think it is time for me to expand on the nature of my stress over the past two weeks. Some of you have asked, and hey, I am nothing if not obliging. First, we have to have a little background. I play an internet game with other people. In this scenario there are four of us involved. I will be A (naturally), the person I am dating will be B, and then we have two other players C and D. Now, for the most part A and B play exclusively with each other. We had recently started playing with C, and we hardly ever played with D. Are we all straight on where everyone is on the stage?

Great.

Aaannnndddd scene.

C recently had a horrible tragedy happen in real life and was taking some time away. Both A and B reached out to him (about four or five times total) to express sympathy and to ask when he would be coming back. We didn’t hear back, and we didn’t push.

Then I made a mistake, I had a conversation with D. C and D have a thing, I don’t know what it is, but whatever, I know they talk. D says – “C and I were gonna [play] but it fell through because well, he is not coming back.”

Fair enough. Dude, just had a life changing experience, and probably needed some time away. I turned my attention back to the game, and realized I needed another C, so I started looking for one. I mention this casually and all hell broke loose.

The fall out took me by total surprise. In my mind I thought, “You never answered our calls (not even to say, ‘hey, still need some time, just hold on a while longer’), and your friend said you weren’t coming back.”

But do you know whose fault it now was?

Mine.

That’s right. Mine.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I get it. C is hurt, thought we were replacing him. And so he came to me privately and we had a mature, intelligent chat and cleared up the misunderstandings and parted as friends.

HAHAHAHA, get the fuck outta here. Nope, he pulled a Cartman and essentially said, “Screw you guys, I’m taking my ball and going home.”

And I snapped.

Lost my fucking mind. If it were possible for me to turn into the Hulk, I would have done so.

(The postscript to this boondoggle is that D tried to cover her ass by saying she said “probably”. Hey, too bad for you that I save emails from all our conversations. Nice try, though.)

End scene.

I thought to myself, “Hey, I have people that have my back here.”

Nope.

Someone totally unrelated to the situation finally told me, “You can’t always take the blame, Amy. Sometimes other people have to man the hell up and own up to their shit. Don’t let it get to you.”

And so I won’t.

People are assholes. Go be an asshole somewhere else? Me? I’m too old for your shit.

P.S. My life is weird

P.P.S. I need new friends.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-03-19 01:28:01 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Yes, this piece of magnificence you mother-fuckers are doing right IS a daily rant. And do you know why? Because EVERY DAMN WOMAN should be doing this. (This is from the wall on Rick Perry’s Facebook page, there is more on there should you like to read. Be quick, though, they will probably be deleted soon.)

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-03-09 15:39:53 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

Remember this post I wrote about pinterest and the numerous panties that are in a bunch due to a) the affiliate links and b) the ability to pin anything without linking to the original source. (This is not because Pinterest doesn’t care about finding the original source, I don’t know if it does or not, but the onus for linking to the original source is up the user not Pinterest).

Well, everyone, get our your irons, ’cause panties are still a bunching. Here is the latest thing;

Yes, now people are threatening to leave. I am about to lose my mind.

Hey special snowflake, Upset that users aren’t linking to the original source? Ohhh, boo-hoo. By the way, welcome to the internet. I hope you go, your bullshit boards are ususally filled with;

• shoes that no one can afford, and you don’t even wear
• homes you can’t afford, with remodeling/ decorating jobs that you can’t afford and/or will never do
• clothes you can’t fit into
• clothes from the runway (because pret-a-porter is not a concept you know about)
• TV shows you love (Really could have done without know how much you love Jersey Shore)
• Slut shaming quotes
• Thinspiration shit so you and everyone else that sees that can feel worse about your body

So you don’t like Pinterest’s terms? Guess you’re leaving, then. Bye.

And take this stupid pin with you

 

The problem with this? Look at it, really think about trying it.

Here is what will really happen

• Your toaster will turn off because it is on the side
• If it doesn’t, one side will burn
• It will smoke and possibly start a fire
• Melt the plastic casing on your toaster.

Don’t Pin Stupid.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-03-01 16:27:57 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Cookie. Yes, this is a post about a cat. A cat I went head to head with this morning. I have no shame in admitting that the cat won.

Here is how it went down.

Cookie had a vet appointment this morning. In fact, it is the last of the vet appointments for the WHOLE DAMN YEAR. She is also the only cat that goes outside. This morning she darts outside while I am feeding the dog. I go to get her, she dumps off the deck onto the fence – out of reach.

GODDAMMIT

Trace and I lure her back inside.

I WIN, BITCH!

Oh wait, today is trash day. I convince my son to take out the trash.

I think we all see what is coming. That cat laid in wait for my son to leave out the front door, and out she went. Never to be seen again. Well, never to be seen again before I left at 7:50.

I had to reschedule.

Cookie- 1, Amy- 0.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-02-17 17:19:53 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Or Why We Suck at Driving

I have been driven in Guatemala,

{We are very near this cliff edge, bus driver.}

{We have been stopped by the police. Oh, he gave them some money, they are going away now.}

I have been driven and drove myself in England;

{I learned to drive a stick with the right hand, I can’t do this with my left hand!}

{Turning right, OH MY GOD I AM THE WRONG LANE!!}

{Gas is how much?!}

I have driven in Germany;

{You always stay in the right hand land unless you are passing.}

{If you are not the the right hand land and a fast car comes upon your bumper, the correct response is not flash the finger but to turn your signal on and move to the right so he can pass.}

{Yes, there are speed limits on the AutoBahn (120k, usually).}

{To show his displeasure at this driving, the car ahead of you will turn on his windshield cleaner so it sprays all over your car. Yes, very passive aggressive.}

{You always, always use your turn signal.}

{Gas is how much?!}

I have driven in Austria;

{Oh look the Alps. OH MY GOD THIS HIGHWAY IS HANGING OFF THIS MOUNTAIN, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.}

{Very steep incline, those runoffs are in case your brakes fail. Greeeeaaaatttt.}

{How am I supposed to park my Camary in that tiny little spot??!!}

{Gas is how much?!}

I have driven in Italy;

{Did that car just drive in the ditch to pass me?!}

{Did that car just drive in the middle of the road, with oncoming traffic, to pass me?!?!}

{I need gas, is the gas station open? No? Why not, it’s three in the afternoon?! When will it be open? Why are you shrugging?!}

{Who is supposed to go next at this intersection? WHY ARE YOU SHRUGGING AGAIN?!}

{Gas is how much?!}

But, it is here in the United States, that I really understand the concept of road rage -

{I just pulled in front of a semi truck, why he is yelling and using his jack brakes?}

{I can do 30 in the fast lane if I want.}

{Pfft, snow, who cares? OH MY GOD, WHY IS MY CAR SLIDING AROUND?}

{Turn signals? What are those? I have turn signals. They are top-secret stealth turn signals. You cannot see them. So there.}

{I MUST PASS YOU TO PROVE I HAVE A BIG DICK!}

{I must drive a big car because I need to prove I am affluent. Then I will complain about gas prices.}

{Gas is too high. Do not give me a lecture on global economics and fossil fuel scarcity, if I have to pay more than a dollar for gas, it is clearly a Republican/ Democrats fault.}

I’m getting a Vespa y’all. It has to be safer than driving around here.

 

 

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-02-14 17:53:03 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

I am a pretty experienced internet user. It takes a lot to get me to shake my head and express disgust. I have seen all the shock sites, know all the troll keywords, seen the gore – you can’t shock me. But, Pinterest did it. Well, not Pinterest exactly, but Pinterest users.

Here is the two second low-down. Most stuff on pinterest is put there through links. You add a ‘pin’ to a board, usually through a link you have found. Now, here is how Pinterest makes money. They take the links, run them through a program and turn them into affilate links. Which means they make money every time you click. It’s ingenious and for the most part, unobtrustive advertising. [Here is a great post from blogworld about it].

In addition, there are TON of pins that are not linked to their original sources. Most people don’t care, but, there is always someone to cry about everything.

AND SOMEONE HAS GOTTEN A BIG UP THEIR ASS ABOUT IT.

Here is internet rule #3 – If you don’t want it stolen, copied, modified, changed then DON’T PUT IT ON THE INTERNET.

And for the love of all that is holy, stop pinning shit like this. No one cares.

 

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-02-10 18:26:39 GMT. 5 comments. Top.

I have probably told you this before, so my apologies if I repeat myself, but I love to throw stuff away. I am the least attached to my stuff person there is, I think. Even my children are not safe from this purging. You know all those parents that save everything from their kid’s childhoods. Not me. I saved their christening outfits and their layette. That’s about it.

When stuff goes missing, my kids will say, “Mom! Did you throw my [insert meaningless object here] away?” I will feign shock – SHOCK, I TELL YOU – at being accused of such heinous crime. However, chances are…yeah, I threw it away.

I am in the middle of a purge. Three large garbage bags of clothes have been donated, Barbies and Polly Pockets given away, linens tossed, spices chucked – all gone. And if I had a good strong man for about three hours, let me tell you, a LOT more would be gone.

This process also applies to people. Some times, for no reason at all really, I put a lot of effort into a relationship that has negligible returns. I am not one of those people that needs other people around to feel better about my life or myself. The opposite is true. People are a lot of fucking work. You have to worry if they understand what you are trying to say, if you pissed them off, if they are reliable, and are they sincere. Man, it is never ending. At some point, I just give up. Or maybe they give up on me. Either way, they fade away.

I am OK with this.

I feel no sense of duty or politeness to carry on a relationship that is built on a shaky foundation. It isn’t as if I suddenly turn on them, no, I just….stop trying.

The ones that stay are true, loyal, funny, talented and generous. I appreciate them all the more.

Sometimes you just have to say good-bye, I wish you well. You won’t regret it.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-02-05 18:28:03 GMT. 4 comments. Top.

(or why I hate vlogging)

Video blogging (or vlogging as it has become known) is supposed to be the next big thing in blogging. I am here to beg you, on my knees, to stop. Please just stop.

Writing and spoken word are two incredibly different animals, and if there are very few people who can write well, there a damn site fewer who can do spoken word well.

This is what all the vlogs I have seen consist of;

Blogger in front of low quality camera (phone or webcam) speaking out a blog post that would have normally been written. Between the ‘ums’ and ‘sos’ is a piece, so poorly executed that most of the women doing it would not have even hit the publish button on that post, were it written. They have no script, no quality video, no reason to sit in front of a camera and talk except that it takes the place of actually having to write.

They aren’t amusing, they aren’t little peeks inside your life, their are cringe-worthy fests of crap. You are bloggers, writers – not a television personality. It isn’t as great as you think it is.

There are some great ways to do vlogs,; write a script, practice, dress-up, use camera appropriate make-up, do more than one take, edit the video, etc. etc. But no one is doing that, and, in the end, you all look lazy.

Thinking about doing a vlog? Please, in the name of all that is holy, write your words.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-02-01 17:35:45 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Curry. I lovez it. I just do. And I am blessed with children that love to try different things, so when I recommend sushi or Indian for dinner, they readily agree. We also love Wegman’s, so on nights I don’t want to cook, we go get dinner from Wegman’s. (If you don’t know what Wegman’s is, it is a grocery store. In fact, it is the best grocery store ever, and their food is delicious. Don’t hate.)

Imagine my delight when I found out Wegman’s had Indian food. I nearly wept with joy. I think I ate curry at least once week until…well, I am still doing it.

One day I go there, trot up to the Indian food section and what do they have?

Beef Curry.

Beef. Really, y’all?

Let’s just go ahead and ruin Indian food, insult their culture and religion, and seem ignorant at the same time.

Indians do not eat beef, cows are sacred to them. Therefore, you do not make Beef Curry,

End of story. No ‘but I like beef’ or ‘it’s not my culutre’ or ‘I once had an Indian friend and she didn’t mind’.

Just. NO.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-01-17 17:46:12 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Cat food. You may not know this, but apparently this stuff is crack to cats and dogs. And I am not talking about the dry crunchy stuff, no, no, no this is what is called GUSHY FOOD.

Now, I love my pets. Well, 3/4 of them anyway. (WHAT?! One of them keeps peeing on the carpet, judgy mcjudgerson! He needs to go to cat heaven.) Like I was saying- love my pets, but none of them rate Gushy food. My daughter disagrees. She loves buying the wet food for the cats. And they love her for being a sucker.

And the dog? Well, he just wants a piece of action.

Our first mistake was to buy the food in the little packets. Oreo would get the empties out of the trash and gnaw them trying to get a taste. Then he moved up to getting the full ones and gnawing on those. Mmmm, tin foil flavored cat food.

Whatever. I got your number dog.

Next up we bought the cans. Remember how I complained about stepping on Legos? Yeah, those are nothing compared to cat food cans. Oreo slinks downstairs (in the middle of the night), gets a can and carries it around in his mouth. He doesn’t make a mess. He can’t chew the can open. But he carries that unopened can in his mouth as if to say, ‘Bitch, I am two opposable thumbs away from DINNER TIME.) So now instead of Legos all around the house, I have cat food cans from the top floor to the basement.

Next up, cat food cans full of Legos.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-01-09 20:20:42 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

Man, I really hate to bust this out on y’all. And I know it is going to generate a whole bunch of hate. But when you’re wrong,you’re wrong. And, in this case, you are definitely wrong. Why? Because I say so. And history. History says so, so you can just shut up.

Here is how it starts – Southern Living is having an online poll called “Vote for South’s Tastiest Town‘ and on the list they include such Southern towns as New Orleans, Raleigh and Charleston. All sorts of no-brainer in terms of Southern towns. Here is where it gets good- they included Baltimore.

Well, just back it up there a gosh-darn minute. Baltimore? Yep. Baltimore. Whether you like or not, Maryland is a southern state. And, OF COURSE, people do not like it.

Here are some of the comments;

How is Baltimore a SOUTHERN town?

it’s not da south, it shouldn’t be on the list… period.

It’s the Mid-Atlantic, but since people seem to want either North or South, it’s the South – South of the Mason-Dixon line which is the line separating North-South.

They’re still stuck on the Mason-Dixon Line.

Maryland is a border state, not a Southern state.

Baltimore? Can we stick to Cities that are in the Real Southern part of the states and not southern North America. That line was drawn when colonial america thought anything below South Carolina was an undeveloped foreign country. Lets be real. Baltimore is as northern as NYC and Wash. D.C….

There are several good points here. Baltimore is more culturally Mid-Atlantic than southern as evidenced by our significant lack of trailer parks. HOWEVER, history is on Maryland’s side here. Here is my disclaimer: I don’t give a rat’s ass whether Maryland is Northern or Southern, and no one asked me. But if your whole argument is “It isn’t Southern because it’s not Southern enough for me.” Well, then, allow me to set you straight.

Maryland is below the Mason-Dixon line. This makes it a Southern state. End of argument. No one cares if culturally it is like DC or NY, historically and geographically, Maryland is part of the South. Don’t like it? Don’t care. Think we aren’t Southern enough? I am totally OK with this. You keep all of your ‘Southern’ traits the hell away from me. Remember, I am from Kentucky, I have had enough ‘South’ to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.

Now it is time for your boring history lesson, you can leave now if you don’t want to whole “Why the Captial is in DC.” lecture.

The basic reason our nation’s capital ended up where it is was that key Southern leaders WANTED it that way.The story is often told of how the change took place, supposedly as a result of a compromise made at a dinner party involving Madison (proponent of the Southern view and an important leader of the Jeffersonians [later the 'Republican Party'] in the House) and Alexander Hamilton, a Northerner (of New York), Federalist and Washington’s Secretary of the Treasury. Supposedly, Hamilton offered Northern support for the Potomac capital in exchange for help (or at least not blocking) his financing plans in Congress (esp. the federal assumption of the war debts of all the states, along with the First National Bank).

In fact, it is not certain the decision took place quite that way..though it makes a nice story!

A key factor that should not be overlooked was George Washington’s own preferences. His personal popularity in both sections added great weight to his desire that the capital be located on the Potomac, near his home at Mount Vernon. In fact, the Residence Act left it to the President to chose the specific location.

Note also that the Residence Act provided for Philadelphia as the temporary capital for 10 years, while arrangements were made for building the District of Columbia (named “Washington” in 1791, though its namesake avoided using that name). It is claimed that this piece helped secure passage, in part because some Northerners (esp. from Pennsylvania) believed the Potomac plan would ultimately fail and Pennsylvania would end up hosting the capital permanently.

[source] (Yes, this source is from Yahoo answers, but the person who provided the answer also provides reference material for checking facts in other places

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-01-03 19:02:27 GMT. 4 comments. Top.

Legos. I have a love/ hate relationship with legos. I think the pluses should be obvious; encourages creativity, fine motor skills, building skills, etc.

But the HATE? Oh, I have Lego hate.

First, I have been stepping on Legos for a decade now. I swear I am going to make flip-flops made of the from the Lego brick material, so that as I walk around I just add more height. I swear they hide in the carpet. I vacuum those little bitches up. Too bad, so sad.

But that isn’t the worst. No the worst is birthday and Christmas. My son only wants two things: Legos and Video games. Fair enough. So my husband decided to get Trace two BIG Lego sets for Christmas. And OBVIOUSLY he can’t put them together at his house, because they will break in transit.

OF COURSE THEY WILL.

So that means it is up to me to put those things together.

My son is interested in helping for the first hour or two, but by hour five hunched over looking for the smallest little piece known to man he has long wandered off.

There I am, on floor, holding some huge Halo flying creation, looking for a piece that I know he won’t even miss. It is then when I change my philosophy. My mantra goes from ‘follow ever direction down to the last detail’ to ‘close enough’.

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-12-28 17:57:51 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

I would love to tell you that I am on time for everything, that I am punctual. I am not. Not even close. But, you see, I never knew this. I lived with a military husband who moved earth and mountains to make sure we were never late to anything. I always prided myself on how on time I was to everything. When we lived in Germany, our godparents were late to the Christening of Cheyenne, and I thought “Well, that will never happen to me.”

Famous last words, right?

Fast forward to today. I am happily divorced and late. To EVERYTHING.

I don’t mean to be late. I try to be on time, but times move different for me in some weird way and then there is the INTERNET! Reddit isn’t going to read itself, yo. One more click then I will get in the shower!

And if I am late that means that my kids are late. This is one area where I really fall down in parenting. I balance it with the knowledge that my kids have never watched any of MTV’s inane programming. I still come out ahead, I think.

Combine my new found sloth-ness with my (nearly) teenage daughter’s unwillingness to leave her bed for any reason and you have a recipe for school morning disaster.

Me: I’M LEAVING!!!

Chey: I’M ALMOST READY!!

ME: HOW LONG, DAMMIT?!

Chey: FIVE MINUTES!!

[Ten minutes later]

Me: I’M WALKING OUT THE DOOR!

Chey: NO YOU’RE NOT!

Me: WATCH ME!

Chey: I DON”T HAVE SOCKS!!

And on and on and on.

Cheyenne has been late 35 times this year. Let that sink in. THREE FIVE. 35. 3 x 10 + 5.

Finally, the school has had enough. Any more tardies and she gets Saturday detention.

Which we will be late to, no doubt.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-12-20 18:14:22 GMT. 4 comments. Top.

I have told you time and again how much I love twitter? (Even though my dearest friend is all, “I don’t get it.” Well, of course she doesn’t get it. She still reads books on paper. So retro!)

Well, twitter decided to change their interface. And this isn’t a small change – it’s pretty dramatic. Like 40′s film noir dramatic. I love it.

But, oy! The bitching. If I had a dime every time someone tweeted an iteration of  ”I hate the new twitter” I would have five dollars. Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but if I have to listen to you complain, I damn well better be earning more than five dollars.

So I have decided to let you in on a secret;

THINGS CHANGE.

Yes, they do. Sometimes it is for a good reason, sometimes it’s not.

Don’t like it? Don’t care.

I feel the same way when I see people lament the loss of newspapers. Actual print. I just don’t understand all the mourning. Newspapers have been around, what? three or four hundred years? Why was it assumed that they would be around forever? And don’t give me the ‘loss of excellent reporting and unbiased opinion’ argument, because I will choke on my laughter while I say *cough cough Hearst cough cough Murdoch*.

Even worse is pining for what never was. For instance, when people my father’s age reminisce about ‘the good ole days’ when people showed ‘respect’. REALLY? Yeah, I see a whole bunch of respect pouring out of those fire hoses from the Civil Rights movement or the gender pay gap. I think we have different definitions of respect.

Wow, tangent much, Amy? What were we talking about again?

Oh, yeah. Twitter.

It changed.

Adapt.

Daily Picture (And Daily Rant in one)

Last modified on 2011-12-13 16:02:46 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

I love this picture, it is a good representation of how much nature respects our burial traditions. Which is not at all.

Here’s the thing. I think graves and our system of burying people is an INCREDIBLE waste. Basically, we take someone whose soul is gone, pump them full of toxic chemicals, dress them up, and then stare at them for a few hours. Then we put them in the ground atop a few feet of concrete in a box that will be there FOREVER, and then cover them with dirt. And in 50 years no one will even care who is in that box. There is just no need for it. Because in a hundred years your tombstone will be covered in dirt and no one is going to care what your casket looked like or what dress you were buried in or what you looked like at the funeral. When I die, take everything medicine can use, burn my body and scatter my ashes somewhere. I’ll be dead. I WON’T CARE.

Yes, yes I am full of sunshine today, sue me.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-12-07 16:19:15 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

The kids are going to be gone again this Christmas. You would think that would be my daily rant, but it isn’t. I am so happy that I don’t have ‘do’ Christmas. Christmas is a hassle. A huge dance of traditions that I don’t even like. I wasn’t always this way – I, like most new moms, cherished those times with my kids when they were younger and the magic of Christmas was infectious. I braved the busy malls, the lines to see Santa, the Black Friday deals, and the mountain of wrapping that came with making sure that my kids had a ‘good’ Christmas.

Now that they are a little bit older, they don’t expect quite as much, and I am so damn grateful. And when I stripped away all the things that make this season such a chore I realized something –  I don’t really like Christmas. If you’ve followed this blog for a while you know that this isn’t a new gripe. I just find the whole ritual tedious, obligatory, and governed by archaic traditions I am ‘supposed’ to be following. And I think we all know how well I do with words like ‘obligations’ and ‘supposed to do’.

This year I have a reprieve. The kids are going to their Dad’s for Christmas break. I shall dance with joy when they board that plane.

I was hoping that this meant that I could get away without having to decorate too heavily, I mean they aren’t going to be here….so what is the point?

But…NOPE.

I still have decorate AND put up a DAMN TREE.

Oh, the humanity!

At least there is eggnog, and bourbon. Lots and lots of bourbon.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-11-20 21:30:09 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

As you may or may not know, I have been on this whole ‘learning about me’ thing since I got divorced. As you may also know, it turns out I am kind of an asshole. Shocking, I know.

One of the things that really bugs me is sick people. I just assume that everyone that is sick made the conscious choice to do so just to piss me off. I KNOW that isn’t how it really works, but deep in my mind that’s what I always think. Like you got the flu? That’s a shame – now, stay away from me.

This situation isn’t helped by the fact that my kids are very healthy people. I mean, we rarely get sick. And don’t come to me with that “I have a cold so I have to stay home” sob story. If you aren’t throwing up, you go to school.

They are this way by the benefit of genes and by design. My kids growing up stuck some gross shit in their mouths, crawled around on all manner of strange floors, and were for the most part kept away from hand sanitizers. I am a big believer in tolerance, and for the most part that strategy has paid off. My children do not have allergies or asthma, and have great immune systems. Yes, I know there other biological and environmental factors that play into that…but this over-clean thing mothers are doing all the time? That is a recipe for a sick kid all the time.

But people do get sick, oh yes they do. And those jerks want you to CARE.  Holy chicken soup, batman! I am  NOT your mother. If you are sick, go lay down until you feel better, I do not need a play by play or your bodily fluids or mucus. REALLY. And when your kids are sick? NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!

I am also really awkward around people are really sick, like with cancer or other constant illness. I want them to be better, and not be sick. And since I can’t do that, I never really know what to say or do.

So it is with a heavy heart I tell you – if you are sick, don’t tell me about it. My only advice is: “Get over it.”

Pity my children.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-11-17 23:46:50 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

It happened. Everyone said it would happen, eventually. I am not sure I believed them until I saw it with my own eyes. But to tell the truth, now that I have seen it, I am dumbfounded that the universe would create such a ferocious monster. I feared for my sanity and my eardrums. Surely, no one else that has seen this has survived. How would it be possible?

I am still in shock.

Yes, my daughter….my former blond-haired, everything-has-to-be-pink, Barbies-are-amazing, swing-me-higher-mommy, giggelbox-of-girl has had her first full fledged hormonal fueled meltdown.

There were tears, and stomping of the feet, the slamming of doors, vows of hatred against all things parental, and declarations that it was not her that was the cause of the meltdown but me. Yes, me who had quietly been trying to work this evening sent her into a rage that was NOT TO BE CALMED.

I did not believe it existed, but there it was – my daughter had let the hormone monster take over.

I have said it before, I will say it again.

Nunneries. Bring ‘em back.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-11-08 14:42:54 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Having a daughter who has decided to follow the pagan religion is an adventure. It is also tricky when she attends Catholic School. I regulary get comments like this one -

“Challenges  her faith regularly.  Needs to improve independent work habits.”

 

All I can think of is : Damn Straight. I would be angry if she WASN’T challenging your silly stories.

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-10-16 16:20:59 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

There are currently 272 episodes of Law & Order: Special Victim’s Unit. All of them are on NetFlix. And my daughter has spent every moment of her TV time watching EVERY DAMN EPISODE. I should be worried about all the things she is learning; child abuse, rape, gay sex, gay rape, sex slavery, multiple partners, gay rape with multiple partners, and just about EVERY fetish that they can work into a plot. Again, I should be worried. But I’m not. Hey, Olivia Benson, want to teach my daughter about BDSM? Be my guest.

But…

The angest, dear gods, the ANGST. And so I leave this here (credit) as I lay twitching on the floor. We are only on episode 150. This must be hell…..

 

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-10-16 16:00:56 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

It should be no surprise to anyone that I am huge supporter of the Occupy Wall Street Movement. If I wasn’t a single parent, I would totally love to take a couple of days to go up to NYC and be part of the protests for a day or two. As you may or may not know, for the first couple of weeks, the media did not cover the protests. It was only when unions and celebrities started showing up that the event got the attention it deserved.

Of course, not all reporters are happy about that. For one Alison Kosik from CNN. In fact, this ace financial reporter decided to tweet what she thought of the people out there protesting. When asked about what the purpose of the protest was, she had this to say;

Say it with me folks; Classy.

But she wasn’t done! No, there’s more;

Yes, folks, you are not protesting – YOU ARE WHINERS! How dare you actually try to upset the status quo! Of course, she got called out on it and deleted those tweets. But it was too late. Screenshots have been going on around now for over a week. Also, she hasn’t tweeted since. (sing it with me: another one bites the dust)

Well, I know I have told you over and over again how much of a giver I am. I proved again by helping Alison out.

She has yet to thank me, the ungrateful witch. For everyone else, check out the blog We Are the 99%, and then tell me that these protesters are whiners.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-10-03 00:25:53 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

I’m not going to lie to y’all, being single this past year or so has been pretty kick ass. Think of all the things I don’t have to worry about: no one hogging up the bed, no one to share the bathroom with, no worries about someone breaking my fiestaware, and on and on.

But now someone has come along who I am seriously considering sharing my life with again. I know I should be worried about the ‘big’ things. You know, will my kids like him and are we a good enough match to spend 24 hours a day together.

But, c’mon, this is me we are talking about. Screw the big stuff. It is the small little details that will send me over the edge. Because I SWEAR to GOD, the first time he sets a glass on my 50 year old coffee table, there will be MURDER. Bloody, bloody, murder.

And I have NO room in my closet for all of my clothes, how is someone else supposed to fit their stuff in there?

I know I have complained and kvetched for almost two years on how exhausting being single is, but I’m beginning to worry that not being single will be more irritating.

GODDAMN IT. 

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-09-14 14:17:21 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the universe seems to be screwing with me lately. It’s like I get through one thing and then it’s all NOT SO FAST, here’s something else to make your life hell. Did I piss of the God of Order and Normal or something, because if I did – dude, whatever you want, it’s yours.

And today……

I have had one hell of an evening last night….I mean just…..where you kind of get to a point and all you can do is looks at the heaven’s and think…REALLY?!

I have had about 3-4 hours of sleep, if you count the texting I did at 4 in the morning, and I don’t. Mainly because someone who I trusted to get their SHIT TOGETHER, well, DIDN’T. And at two in the morning, I did something I rarely EVER do – walked away. But that’s not even my rant, it SHOULD be, but no I have something EVEN better.

Right, where was I? Ah yes, jackassery and no sleep. Got it. Right so I get up this morning and get the kids out the door, thinking ‘OK, no sleep, but I can do this.” THEN IT STARTS!!

My daughter gets in the car, I put the car in reverse and get ready to pull out..

“WAIT!”

I stop and look at her….she forgot a school assignment. *sigh* OK, runs back into the house and gets it. Well, ‘runs’ is being generous…more like saunters. Whatever.

Back in the car, pulling out of our neighborhood, I casually turn to her and say “Did you take your medicine?”

Deer in the headlights look. Forehead on steering wheel. OK, turn around and let her saunter back into the house to take her medicine.

NOW, finally we are on the road.

As I am getting ready to get on the expressway she springs this on me;

Chey: “Mom, I need money. I have a field trip today.”

Me: “WHAT?! Today?!” Why didn’t you tell me?”

Chey: “I forgot.”

Me: “OK, fine, I have money, no problem.”

Chey: “You need to sign this form, too”

Me: {stopped at a red light} “OK, give it to me.” I start to sign and I notice a whole bunch of questions about physical activity limitations. I turn back to the front page and sure enough this activity is some physical team building activity. I look over at my daughter in her tartan skirt, embroidered white shirt, knee high socks and think “NO FUCKING WAY”. I turn back to the front page again and read it even closer and there it is in the second paragraph. “Students need to wear their PE uniforms for this trip.”

OF COURSE THEY DO.

I lose it. I am trying hard not to yell at my daughter, even though she has had the form for a WEEK. I mean, stuff happens, and I’m not the most organized, so I cut her some slack. I turn around so she can change. I get within a mile of home when the last terrible realization of the morning hits me.

Me: “Cheyenne, let me see that form again.”

{Hands it to me and sure enough right there was the thing that I had skipped over, twice}

Me: “Cheyenne, your field trip is tomorrow.”

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-08-27 21:46:26 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

OK Cupid though it would be nice to let me know that someone was checking out my profile…..

Yeah, thanks for that OKC.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-08-15 01:17:11 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Ever sent your kids on a plane unaccompanied? No? It’s nerve-wracking. I sent my kids out west to see my Mom and my sister for ten days. I am so happy for the ten days of peace. But every moment until I get in the call that my mom has seen the whites of their eyes is sheer hell. It’s doubly hell for me, because my kids had to change planes in Phoenix. I told my daughter TEN TIMES to call me when they got there, before they got on their next (and last) plane. But did she? Of course she didn’t, this qualifies as torture.

They made it to Portland, OR just fine though.

I spent the first day of their time away in pajamas and sleeping the day away.

I regret nothing.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-08-10 23:02:00 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

I was looking through app last night and I noticed this particular app.

Clearly this is a pretty silly app, but the guy is honest up front. IT DOESN’T LOCK YOUR PHONE. It’s only an illusion, but hey if you want to spend $0.99 on that illusion, be my guest. Well, you can clearly see where this is going…

There are 817 reviews for this app, and most of them look like this -

I can only shake my head, clearly they didn’t read the description. Too bad, so sad.  Here is my favorite bad review;

I mean, you got to admire his descriptive skills. You get a feel for his hate for this app. One guy tries to be the voice of reason;

Dude, I totally feel you. But your reward for trying to be the level-headed person is more crap;

That’s right, dammit! It’s the 21st century, and you want to me to READ?! Reading is all hard and stuff, and apparently so is typing – so much so that I can’t spell out hard words like ‘to’ or ‘are’. Now, excuse me I need to go microwave my frozen home cooked meal!

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-08-07 23:40:11 GMT. 1 comment. Top.

I think we have established that I do not listen to my own inner harpie near enough. Another example of this happened this weekend.

There is only one place in Baltimore where I can get Chey’s school uniforms, so I head out there the other day to give them an arm and leg for polyester tartan skirts. After the heart attack over the bill, I decide I want to go to Trader Joe’s. This is the the closest one to me and I don’t get out there often enough, so we head over there. Here comes the good part – Trader Joe’s is near the ‘good mall.’ I think we all know what that means – yes, The Cheesecake Factory.

I hate the Cheesecake Factory.

I hate their overpriced cocktails, faux-Tuscan decoration that looks like the inside of every yuppi’s kitchen, the enormous menu of CRAP, the enormous portions that NO ONE could eat, on and on and on. It would be different if they had one redeeming dish that we could say ‘well, at least they make this dish and it’s the best you can get of it.’ But you can’t. EVERY dish is crap, and people don’t even notice because there’s so much of it that I think we are induce ourselves into a food coma before we realize how awful it is.

Every time I go, I say THIS is the last time. But as it turns out, the Cheesecake Factory has cheesecake. Really good cheesecake. Next time I’m getting the cheesecake to go, and getting the hell out of that suburban nightmare.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-07-26 20:16:03 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

I love summer TV. And don’t go bitchin’ about how I should be outside, I don’t know if you noticed but hellfire exploded all over the country. So I’m staying inside, thankyouverymuch. Like I was saying, summer tv – so much to love – The Closer, Leverage, Royal Pains, etc. BUT there are still a few series I look forward to in the fall, and one of them is The Walking Dead.

Zombies, gore, explosions – what’s not to love?

My daughter and I were watching the trailer for the second season. I was all “”oooooooh can’t wait for October” and she’s all “oh, that guy dies in the books”

Damn, damn, damn. Spoilers from the book.

Let that be lesson to you – reading ruins lives!!!

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-07-21 18:59:44 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

When I was younger (like teenage years) if we passed by my mom and didn’t say anything, we would hear about it. She would say “Don’t I get a ‘hi,’bye’, or ‘kiss my ass’? Nothing?” We’d roll our eyes and say hi. Man, parents! The nerve! Why do I bring this up? Email. I am an email ninja, I HAVE to be. I don’t let my personal email box get over 50 emails. I try to delete, move to folders, respond, or forward to get those emails out of the box. If I don’t my emails will back up within a matter of hours. HOURS, PEOPLE- SEE HOW IMPORTANT I AM?! (also? I may get a lot of spam. ahem.)

Anyway, recently I sent out some emails that I kind of needed a response to and what did I get? NOTHING. A big ball of jack and shit. If I take the time to actually WRITE an email you can AT LEAST write an email back – even if it’s to say ‘hi’,'bye’, or ‘kiss my ass’.

OK?

OK.

Thanks!

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-07-15 18:04:50 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

My neighbor hates me. I am not even exaggerating. He’s a single guy who lives in a row of townhomes, and for as long as he’s lived there he’s never had to live next to kids.

Oh man, is he hating life now.

We are loud by nature, we don’t do it to be mean. Really. But everytime the kids come down the stairs, it sounds like a herd of elephants. He started out by pounding on the wall, complaining to the HOA if I did anything that he thought broke the rules (even if I didn’t do it, he would try to blame me). I told my landlord (who’s a saint) that this was not acceptable so he’s apparently had a talk with the guy because he doesn’t pound on the wall anymore. He’s still a jerk, and several ‘strange’ things have happened that may be his passive aggressive way of getting back at me. Like my gas cans were ‘mysteriously’ filled with anti-freeze. (Of course, I have kids so they could have done it too).

I know a lot of single people who sympathize with the guy. In an area where townhomes are the norm, this is a common situation. Clearly, one day I complained too loud about his crap because my daughter wrote this and was going to leave it on his door. I stopped her from delivering it, I didn’t need any nmore drama from this guy.

But I loved that she wrote it, a little me is rubbing off on her, I guess.

Note contents (exactly as written): Excuse me, sir but banging on your walls will not get you anywere and it just annoys my mother also complaints of things that have not ouccered is not needed if you want us out or gone just tell us i’m annoyed by the fact you have problems with us and not tell us do not get mad i just can’t sleep with the banging my landlord is dealing with this no[w] please stop  me my landlord and my mother are no[t] please[d] thanks!

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-07-08 18:40:01 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

Dear PR People – please stop sending me stupid emails like this;

Dear Editor (editor, thanks for the title, is there a raise with that shit?),

My name is Sophia Alexnader (no, it’s not),

I ran across your site today while searching for science related (Well, clearly you’re in the wrong place. In case you count this site as the science of bitching, then, yes) websites on Google. Your site is informative and a good resource and it prompted me to write to you. (informative of what?! How to piss people off in a hundred words or less?!)

May I send you a 400+ word, unique article to include on your site? (Hell, no. Are we done here?)

We’ll make sure it’s well-written, interesting, RELEVANT to what you typically talk about, and most importantly, 100% unique to your site. (Look, I appreciate it, but no one bitches like me. Thanks.) A well-written article will provide you with high quality content for your readers and give you a fresh content Boost in Google rankings. (My readers don’t come here for high quality shit, have you even read my stuff?!)

I ask for only 1 text link within the article back my site, to help promote my site in Google. (A catch? How shocking.) NOT to draw attention of visitors from your site – an inconspicuous link only) I’ve attached a sample article with this email, so you can get a feel for how we write, and the level of quality we provide. (I think I’m good, ass hat)

If you have any questions or need anything please contact me. (Nope, I’ll just publish this inane shit on my blog. You’re welcome.)

Thanks for your time and attention

(Bite me.)

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-07-03 02:17:22 GMT. 3 comments. Top.

For those that don’t know, Klout is a site that tries to measure your online influence. It’s ability to do that is sketchy at best. It even tries to let you know what topics you are influential about. Again, it fails here too. Let’s have a look at what I’m influential about, shall we?

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-06-29 18:35:55 GMT. 3 comments. Top.

There are first world problems, white people problems, and THEN there are first world white people problems. I give you an example of the last category;

 

For reference the choices are here.

What a good question, Brook Brothers. I know other people are out there with the sissy questions- like clean water for developing countries or impending Euro collopse brought on by Greece’s finances. But you…you are really onto the hard stuff. Well done!

What do you wear to a clambake? First it’s not $100 pair of shorts, that’s for sure. And it’s certainly not an outfit that screams “I COULD NOT BE WHITER!”

But, hey thanks for asking. Also, what’s a clambake? Is that something rich people do to fool themselves into thinking they can cook?

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-06-21 19:05:38 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Have you felt icky about your fellow Americans today? No? Well, let me help. Here is a video of the Miss USA contestants answering the question “Do you believe that evolution should be taught in school?” Watch and weep.

Hey, dumbass beauty queens a) creationism is a BELIEF system not science and b) Evolution is based in sound scientific procedures. I tell you what – since we want to teach all sides – let’s teach how you can look like a dumbass bimbo and how you can’t. Exhibit A:

If you managed to watch enough so that you heard Miss California’s answer, then you know the judges did the right thing making her the winner.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-06-18 14:48:59 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

I offer this with little comment, only this; I copied and pasted most of the text from here. You should click and take a read, I only copied and pasted one paragraph. There’s much more to the article. Also, a reminder when you put stuff on the internet that is bullshit – I  make it my mission to set you straight. Just another service I provide.

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-06-16 17:55:49 GMT. 5 comments. Top.

My kids are going to see their dad on Saturday, and since school is out (ugh) they will be there for two or three weeks. This is how I always picture my time without the kids will go:

 

But the reality is a bit different;

 

 

*and hilarious.

So when they come back, at some point THIS has happened;

Good times…..good times.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-06-09 15:51:17 GMT. 8 comments. Top.

iTunes is a bully and a know-it-all. Like most people I have given Apple thousands of dollars of my money and in return gotten lots of songs. I have also gotten lots and lots of bad ‘advice’ on my music choices. No, iTunes, just because I downloaded ONE Backstreet Boys song doesn’t mean I want to download ‘N Sync’s whole catalog. Also, downloading Nirvana does not mean I want pay for ANYTHING by Courtney Love. Seriously, what are you thinking?!

This is the kind of ‘recommendations’ I get. I usually ignore them.

However, for months iTunes has been after me to download this one album. I played a clip and I was all ‘uh…no’. But they wouldn’t let up. Every time I opened my iTunes, there it was sitting in my ‘recommended’ box. Just mocking me.

Then yesterday….I was going through some fan vids (DON’T JUDGE ME!) and they always have the best songs. This one song, however, kept sticking with me. I looked up the song.

And guess what, it turned out to be that SAME DAMN ALBUM iTunes has been trying to get me to buy. iTunes is so damn smug. Yes, I bought the song, then another and then another and then just the whole album. You win this round, Apple.

However, first time you recommend Arcade Fire – I’m going to punch something.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-06-03 16:47:58 GMT. 9 comments. Top.

Dear the World,

I have red hair. This means that the sun and I are mortal enemies. No, I don’t want to go outside without sunscreen and hats, and, if needed, a long sleeved-shirt.

No, I don’t want to sit in the noon sun and eat lunch. Looking like a lobster is not what I had in mind while eating lobster.

Yes, I have freckles; lots of them. No, I don’t want to hear the joke about “if they joined hands you’d be tan”. Spare me.

Yes, the sunburn does hurt. No, it isn’t the worst one I’ve had. It’s not bad until there are blisters and seepage. Gross enough for you? Good.

So when I say I want to ‘stay inside’ or ‘find shade’ it’s not because I’m trying to be a buzz-kill, it’s because the sun hates gingers and tries to boil us alive every chance it gets.

Sincerely,

Gingers everywhere

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-05-31 17:01:01 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

Today in Baltimore there is a heat advisory. A HEAT ADVISORY. In MAY! (I know, it’s the last day of May, but it still counts, dammit). I wrote this lovely poem for Spring

Spring you came with flowers and showers

A gradual warm-up is what we expected

Our expectations were bested.

BOOM! Heat wave-

No warning or caution was given

In the A/C we are livin’

Spring – You Suck!

Thank you.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-05-23 00:03:28 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

You know, I’ve had some bad dates in my time. But yesterday WAS THE WORST. Seriously, stood up by Jesus. I was really counting on the rapture yesterday. Do you know what traffic is like in Baltimore/ Washington?! It could’ve been the BEST. COMMUTE. EVER. But Jesus went and ruined that, TOO! Way to screw it up, Jesus. I mean, what are you waiting for? Do you need me to line up all the Christians for you? Cause I can do that. Whatever makes it easiest to get these people outta here. I’ll even throw in a few sinners for free. What do you say Jesus, we got a deal?

Now, quit being a douche and come rapture these assholes.

Everyone else, it’s party time. HOLLA!

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-05-18 17:33:52 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

If you don’t know, I’m not a fan of Disney. I mean it just all this manufactured crap really riles me up. I don’t even know where to start; the ‘wait for a man to save me shit” (that I think cripples some women emotionally well into adulthood), the changing of fairly tales so everything is squeaky-clean-and-happy-ever-after-ized, the plastic shit-fest that is Disney World/Land, the subtle cues that if I was ‘good parent’ I would spend a ridiculous amount of money taking them to Disney, on and on and on.

But this latest item takes the cake, and, as we all know, ALL CAKE SHOULD BE MINE AND NOT TAKEN ANYWHERE!

Disney has trademarked to SEAL team name, and not just any SEAL team. No, no, no – the SEAL Team 6 that took out Bin Laden. Yes, Disney never fails to try to profit from EVERYTHING.

You know what this means, right? Disney will now start producing “SEAL Team 6″ Dolls, shirts, toy weapon gear, on and on…ad nauseum. Oh MAN, thanks Disney for being a soul sucking behemoth.

You may not know this, but I have spent time around special forces (don’t ask why or how, it’s not important and I couldn’t tell you anyway) and let me tell you, there are NOT TO BE MESSED WITH. Also, they aren’t ‘special’ people. Their training? Super special.

Well, I think we have established that I am giver, so I am going to help Disney develop some of their SEAL Team 6 gear that is more realistic.

1. First, how about a action figure with bloody feet. Maybe even removable toenails and peeling skin? These guys walk A LOT; like 18 miles with a ton of weight on their back. In crappy weather, hungry, sweaty they walk. Their feet are seriously messed up.
2. Ability to shut off emotions. These people kill. There is no sugar coating it. In ways you probably don’t want to know about it, in times when you thought America wasn’t involved in killing. Not only do they kill bad guys, but, as invariably happens, there is collateral damage. Make sure he has pertinent emotions removed.
3. No uniform. It’s nice to think about and looks good in a package, but real special ops soldiers rarely, if ever, wear a uniform.
4. Wallet with family photos. They aren’t home very often, so they need photos to remind them of what they family looks like.
5. Bombs. These guys blow shit up…a LOT. Make sure your action figure has lots of bombs attached.
6. Nerves of steel. Even training exercises are done with live fire. The ability to freak out is not needed.

Well, Disney I hope you’ve enjoyed this suggestions to your action figure. I’m here to help. It’s what I do. (Coming soon: Dead body action pack! Position so your little kid can pretend that their solider is really killing people!)

Awesome.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-05-06 17:57:46 GMT. 6 comments. Top.

I have a VERY specific kind of reader for my blog. Most often the phrase I hear from people who read my blog is “yours is the only one that I read”. I’m flattered, and sad. There are some great blogs on the internet and they’re stuck reading this crap. C’est la vie, I guess. Anyhoo, my readers aren’t the type to put up with ANY bullshit. They don’t comment very often, they don’t want to see memes, giveaways, and annoying publicity crap. Seriously. This makes my reader a lot different from most blog readers. I keep this in mind when I write anything. I like the couple of thousand of you who actually come by and want you stick around.

That being said.

I censor myself A LOT. I do. There are so many posts that live inside me that I will never write – at least not yet. Posts about my job, posts about the male patriarchy that drives the Baltimore tech scene (and me bananas), and posts about the incredible amount of butthurt I get from other people. EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

Most people know NOT to bother me with their trivial ’you hurt my feelings’ shit. Think I hurt your feelings in a post? Wait and see what I can do in person. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for the thin-skinned. I do have advice- stay off the internet, but other than that, nada. But, MAN, you got to know that even if you are on my LAST nerve I RARELY write about specific people. I do not try to set out to be mean or a bully, and there is no need to put people down on the internet based on my limited interaction with them. I try not to be troll, truly.

Nonetheless, let the BUTTHURT commence. Remember that post I wrote about false sincerity? Oh man, everyone was SURE it was about them. Stop the DMs and emails people, it’s not about you. It wasn’t about ANYONE.

UNFOLLOW! UNFRIEND! TERRIBLE PERSON!!

To my loyal, wonderful, snarky, thick-skinned friends -we’re all in this bitchfest together. For those that have a complaint, I give you this;

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-04-28 14:06:04 GMT. 6 comments. Top.

I had a moment of frustration this morning. A moment that is going to cost me nearly $300.00.

My son was sitting at the counter and SUPPOSED to be eating breakfast, except when I came back upstairs he was STILL playing a game on his iTouch and we had to leave in about 5 minutes. He does this shit to me EVERY MORNING, with something.

I snapped.

I snatched that iTouch out of his hand and threw it to the opposite calendar and told him to EAT!!! He was unfazed by my tantrum and calmly started to eat after letting me know that he was ‘almost done’. Dude, whatever. I stopped listening to him because when that iTouch hit the counter it made a distinctive sound. The sound only a screen cracking can make. I stole a glance at it, and sure enough the screen was in 50 pieces. Panic mode. My objective at that point was to make sure my son didn’t see it before he left for school. That is not river of tears I wanted to face first thing in the morning. Mission accomplished.

After getting the kids off to school, I called the ex to see if I could con him to buying Trace a new one (his birthday is coming up). He asked what happened to his old one and I fed him line about dropping it. He called bullshit. Dammit. He was unsympathetic to my plight after hearing the true story.

This isn’t a question of whether he will get a new one or not. I broke it, and it needs to be replaced. To the tune of $274.00.

I blame the waffles.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-04-22 00:02:28 GMT. 4 comments. Top.

I see this crap around ALL THE TIME. Billboards, traveling buses, bumper stickers. This shit is enough to drive me batty.

 

To which I say this;

 

Get a grip.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-04-16 22:16:22 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

I have had the WEIRDEST week. I cannot emphasize that point enough. Weird, weird, weird. I seriously expected Rod Serling to start narrating my life.

“You are traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone!”

Screw you, Rod.

This is exemplified by the last straw. My son has a gaming computer. He’s not allowed to play it during the school week, only on weekends. To separate him from his Steam account, I have to put a password on the computer. For over a year, I go to the basement on Sunday and change the password. Then on Friday, Trace walks in a says “Mom, what’s the password to the computer?” I tell him, and he disappears to the world of counterstrike. (Don’t judge me, or do, I don’t care. Honestly, I got other things to worry about).

Friday this week comes, and Trace asks for the password. I tell him I haven’t changed it, it’s still ‘google’. Pretty soon I hear him yelling “MOOOOOOOMMMMM, it’s not working!!!” I assume he’s spelling it wrong. But then I step into THE TWILIGHT ZONE!

I know I didn’t change the password, so I go downstairs to type it in for him. (Side note: My ten year old is good typer, he can type as fast or faster than most of you. This should come in handy when he joins the typing pool.) Except ‘google’ didn’t work – in any variation. Nor did any of the next 100 passwords I tried. The password wasn’t the same. Over the next 24 hours I tried every password I have ever used, thought of, and some just for fun. Nothing worked. Nada.

My son doesn’t know how to change the password. My daughter knows not to touch that computer. That leaves…ghosts. Or, I may have gotten up while sleeping off all the wine I drank last Sunday and changed the password. Yes, the most plausible cause is drunk-sleep-walking-to-the-computer-to-change-the-password. Who lives like this, people? Me, that’s who.

This week owes me a do-over.

(if you want to know how this ends, I had to do a complete reformat of the hard drive)

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-04-13 00:46:42 GMT. 4 comments. Top.

So you ever have one of those weekends where you just want to go off the deep end, but you can’t because you’re a single parent  (and who would take your son to his baseball game) and you decide what you need is to unplug off the interwebz and your blog stats bottom out and your email backs up like a bad septic system, then you console yourself with some wine and 6 month old vodka and stay up til 2 on Sunday morning watching Supernatural seasons and you’re so ill and hungover on Monday that even your kids are late to school and you can’t even focus on your work, but the worst part is that it takes you two days to even get through all the emails and tweets you missed?

That ever happen to you?

Yeah, me neither.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-04-05 21:44:24 GMT. 4 comments. Top.

I am in very dark place at the moment. This is the reason I dread summers, why I love the thought of year-round school, why I have A JOB. Two days I have been home with my daughter, and that much closeness is getting all on my nerves. I did manage to get out of the house on Saturday where I spent my time at Social Media Conference. I’m all about living it up, yo.

Tomorrow, I have to TAKE OFF work and attend not one, but TWO professional social media events. I’ll be taking my daughter. Fun is not how I would describe this event.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter…I do. But, if you haven’t noticed, and I’M SURE YOU CAUGHT ONE OF THE OTHER 10,000 MENTIONS- she’s twelve. She is feistly independent, oh and GET THIS….she has decided that she wants to learn how to cook.

People, I’m buying INGREDIENTS and USING A STOVE. Did I mention how I am not in love with cooking?

I swear she’s doing it just to torture me.

Send help, and takeout.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-03-31 00:48:58 GMT. 10 comments. Top.

Sometimes, life is full of too many choices – as this conversation pointed out to me. (My friend Jess and I)

J: How’s the daughter?

Me: Puberty is KILLING me. And it’s full of so much DRAMA, I mean about everything.

J: I bet.

Me: And then to add on all this sexual confusion. She’s bi, she’s gay…I can’t keep up. You know, I have to tell you, I think she just has too many choices. I do NOT know what I would have done had I been presented with those choices.

J: No doubt. I would have been all “You’re sticking that where?!”

Me: And how ugly is the thing?

J: Totally. I would have been like “No thanks, I’ll be gay.”

Me: Choices, man, choices are killing us.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-03-25 01:25:14 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

I don’t often complain about my kids’ teachers, mainly because they have to put up with my kids. I’m pretty sure they deserve a medal or something. But leave it to me to find something to bitch about.

First, you have to understand that I’m pretty sure this teacher thinks my son is the next Columbine shooter. Seriously. When we had our first parent/ teacher conference she flipped through his writing journal to show me my son’s artwork. Yes, I just said that. Instead of writing he had been drawing. And not just any illustrations – oh no, he had decided to recreate his favorite scenes from his video games. Games like, Call of Duty, Left for Dead, and so on. His gun drawings were very realistic. I tried to explain that my son’s father was a gunsmith, so guns were a fact of life for us. I don’t have any in the home any more, but my ex often had guns and gun parts -it’s not like my son hadn’t every seen a weapon.

Anyway, clearly she has issues with my parenting skills. She’s a great teacher, and my son does well in her class, so truly this is not about her.

My son has this Left for Dead 2 T-Shirt. He’s worn it a couple of times, but I guess this was ONE TIME TOO MANY.

The back of the shirt had the game logo on it

 

He was told it was ‘inappropriate’. I have to tell you, I am that child’s mother, and that is NOT EVEN CLOSE to the most inappropriate thing he does.

Also, SUCK IT.

 

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-05-05 15:38:12 GMT. 4 comments. Top.

Maryland has been debating marriage equality. The bill passed the Senate (yay!), but then it went back to the State Assembly. How did it go, you might ask? Well, let’s just say some Assemblymen SUCK.

This issue isn’t going away, and they may have put it on the back burner for a little while. They have only put off the inevitable. And praising God for your bigoted ways isn’t exactly my idea of ‘Christian’ values.

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-03-15 18:07:33 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Being a single parent sucks. I know that this is not a NEW daily rant, but perhaps a continuation of other daily rants. A continuting resolution, if you will. At no time does its suck more than when I am sick. Which I have been for that past two days.

When you are a single parent no one corrals the kids for you, makes sure they are fed, or brings you tea. It’s on those days that you find yourself giving one child two-day-old pizza and thank your lucky stars that the other child can make ramen. You even forgive said child for using your heretofore unused chopsticks. It’s AMAZING the choices that you can justify when your only goal is sleep 20 hours a day.

DON’T JUDGE ME!!

Daily Rant for Frank Buckles

Last modified on 2011-03-01 01:48:48 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

I don’t often get sappy about military people and military service. But today I am going to, so forgive. My grandfather served in both WWII and Korea, my ex-husband has been in the Army now for over 14 years, my brother was a Marine, and even I served for a very short time (I signed up for four years but left after two when I became pregnant with my first child). My best friend and I were both Army wives, and my son seems destined for a life in the military (I know he’s only 9, but, well, you just got to know this kid to know that I speak the truth).

Every soldier is someone’s child, and that service should be honored. Yesterday, the last living soldier of WWI (The Great War) died. He was 110, and lived most of his life in West Virginia, except for three years when he fought in one of the bloodiest wars- ever.

I don’t normally mention things like this so why do I do it now? Well, excuse as I go get off-subject for a second.

I LOVE Washington, D.C. I love the restaurants, people, social scene and the fact that you can’t walk two blocks without seeing a memorial or a piece of history. I first fell in love with DC while exploring those memorial. By running my hands along the etchings of the names of Vietnam Vets, by standing at the feet of very great man immortalized in granite, by simply standing on a step and knowing a pivotal point of the Civil Rights moments had happened on that very step. That love of history and those reminders of sacrifice that are all around DC was my first brush with this city.

DC lacks a memorial, however. A memorial for WWI. A memorial for men like Frank Buckles, who at the age of 16 fought for our country.

This should not be.

Find out more about Frank here.

Donate to the memorial fund here.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-05-05 15:43:27 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

For those that don’t know, I have a tumblr. It’s just a small little space where I post fun stuff….and by ‘fun stuff’ I mean pictures that use the ‘f’ word a lot. Normally what goes on tumblr, stays on tumblr; but I found this today and I had to share. It was written just for me. (I don’t care if you believe it or not, I believe it and that’s all that matters).

(I don’t know the original source, if you do let me know and I will cite it).

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-02-20 20:31:02 GMT. 10 comments. Top.

Update: I don’t often post comments but this one from Walt made me laugh so hard, that I had to share.

I tell my kids that I never want to hear two things.
1. That they started a fight.
2. That they lost a fight.

It worked out pretty good for the boys. But my daughter is another story. I’ve taught her how defend herself. She’s got a wicked spinning back fist and she’s ten. When the Hormone Fairy attacks my mantra is “Let the boy live.”

There comes a moment, as a parent, that you HAVE to have THAT conversation with your child. The one you dread, the one where you must totally forget what all the experts tell you to say and you have to call it like you see it. In your heart, you know that honesty is the only way to make them understand how important knowing the ins and outs of this delicate social situation can be. There came a time for me to have that talk with my daughter. I had hoped to it at private place, but I was not to be so lucky. The question came up at dinner, at a restuarant. (Good timing there, daughter of mine).

C: Mom, there this girl at school. She keeps calling me lesbian (she stops here to emphatically deny the lesbian charge and remind me AGAIN that she is BI-sexual. Got it, dear).

Me: Junior high girls are stupid, try to ignore her. I know it’s hard.

C: She’s threatening to beat me up.

Me: She won’t. Girls like that are all talk.

C: But what if she does? Then I’ll get in trouble.

(There it is, right there. I know I should tell her to seek out a guidance counselor, work it peacefully, but I can no more stop the answer coming out then I can a freight train).

Me: Cheyenne, if she lays hands on you. Take. the bitch. down.

C: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?

Me: Cheyenne, don’t EVER start a fight. But if some EVER tries to start something with you, you take her down.

C: I’ll get in trouble at school.

Me: Yes, yes you will. Big trouble. But you and me will be alright.

That’s how I roll, people. Now where is my parent of the year award?

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-01-29 23:28:34 GMT. 6 comments. Top.

What passes for breaking news here in the United States definitely….isn’t. Take Oprah’s big announcement. Woohoo, Oprah has a long lost sister. wow. But, no matter, the twitter account @breakingnews felt it was important. I had to let them know I felt different. Cause I’m helpful like that.

I didn’t really expect anything to come of it, the twitter account is an automatic feed and not one that interacts with people.

However….

It wasn’t long before a new ‘breaking news’ event came up. I had to help the guys at @breakingnews out. ‘Cause I’m a giver.

Nonetheless, I expected them to tweet out this ‘news bulletin’ so we could breathlessly await word of which whore had called the ambulance for Charlie Sheen’s drug induced emergency.

I was outsmarted.

Clearly, I am not dealing with amateurs here. They didn’t technically ’tweet’ it. But they did retweet it… Hmmmmmmmm. Methinks they get a pass for this one.  Also, I like using the word methinks.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-01-23 03:26:51 GMT. 4 comments. Top.

The winter pits me against my cat. This is a conversation I have almost every day with Cookie.

[I walk up to Cookie as she is scratching at my glass door.]

Me: You do not want to go out there, it’s cold.

Cookie: You’re a liar, clearly it is nice spring weather. Now, let me out.

Me: There’s nothing to hunt out there,  there’s snow on the ground.

Cookie: LAIR!! Let me out, or I’m puking on your boots.

Me: Fine, you can go out there, but I’m not letting you back inside in 20 minutes, you can just freeze.

Cookie: Whatever.

[I let her out and, sure enough, she comes back 10-15 minutes later. Despite my warning not to, I let her in.]

Cookie: Dude, warn a cat when it’s cold out there. And did you know that snow is made out of water. Well, I do now. Thanks a lot.

Me: I TOLD YOU!!

Cookie: Whatever, I’m going to go take a nap in the clean laundry. Wake me in the middle of the night, when it’s time to start fighting with the other cats and keep you up for an hour. I take particular joy in that activity.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-01-16 18:30:50 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

I have a serious case of writer’s block. Not. even. kidding. So, I offer this to you-

Also, writer’s block? Go screw yourself.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-01-11 03:03:48 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

Dear Vegas, the CES conference which brought in more than 140,000 should more than enough for any one city. Really, you only need ONE conference per week, especially when they are THAT size. But nooooo, you went and scheduled the Adult Entertainment Awards and Adult Video Conference for the SAME WEEK.

I think you do this just so I’ll quit complaining how skimpily dressed your casino cocktail waitresses are. Because compared to the, ahem, porn stars, their up-the-butt-3-inch-heel ensemble is downright modest.

At least you don’t have to worry about knowing who belongs to which conference. Slutty girls and skeevy guys to the porn. Nerds and geeks to the tech.

I think you do this on purpose, Vegas. Just to see us squirm.

Well played.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-01-31 13:51:33 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

Movie studios suck. This isn’t a news flash to anyone. They put out some really crappy movies with some VERY weird people in it and then lament that we won’t spend our hard earned money to see said crab. But yet, they still get my money; either by the small fortune I hand over each time we see a movie (“Mommy, why can’t I go to college?” “Because you wanted to see How to Train You Dragon in 3-D when you are 8. Life is about choices, sweetie. And to answer your first question, no, I don’t want fries with that.”) or through Netflix (ALL HAIL NETFLIX!). However, I rarely, if EVER, buy DVDs.

I used to buy DVDs when my kids were little and I didn’t want to comb through 50 cartoon channels to find something to placate a sleepy toddler that WOUDLN’T give him nightmares. (Side note: Don’t ask how many times I’ve seen the first Shrek, because the answer is TOO DAMN MANY). But as the kids have gotten older and we have moved a couple of times, I find that these DVDs just take up space. We don’t watch them very much and they end up being a BIG waste of money.

Movie studios have cottoned on to that, and decided to do something about it – in their usual customer-pissing-off manner. They have now decided to put all of the bonus features on separate discs, and NOT make those discs available to rental companies. Well, THAT’S going to make us all go out and buy DVDs- amiright?! {source}

I mean, what is the logic of this? I hardly watch the bonus features for the DVDs I have, much less will I buy new ones just to be able watch bloopers, deleted scenes, and director commentary. This is like the movie studios saying, “Hey, did you enjoy the movie? Well, if you want to watch the credits and the extra scene at the end of the credits you have to pay again. That’ll be another $8.50, please.”

Who makes these awesome decisions?  I have to be a major fan even to think about buying the DVD – but now I won’t want to, because I feel like the studios have manipulated me into doing so, by ‘withholding’ stuff’.

Oh, and to add to this awesomeness, they will also continue to make trailers unskippable, so you can continue to be amazed at the amount crap that movie studios will be putting out in the near future, all in the hopes of parting us from more of our money.

YouTube is still free right?

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2010-12-15 02:43:21 GMT. 6 comments. Top.

I burned a bridge today. Actually, I did it two days ago but today I got the response. You might think that burning bridges is easy for me, that I do it all the time. You’d be wrong. I may be blunt, free of tact and finesse, and sometimes a little insulting, but I never try to hurt or injure someone that has tried to be nice, tried to help, or, in general, not bothered me in any way.

Except today I did. And it wasn’t a small bridge either, it was a major ‘this can REALLY come back to bite me’ bridge. I took it all into consideration, but I still wrote the email. I tried to be respectful and honest; the latter comes easy, the former- not so much. I hold no grudges against the person or their firm, but walking away without saying “Hey, you really did a bad job” was just not an option for me.

I crafted the email two days ago, and today I received a response.

All of my efforts were in vain. The response I received back indicated that the person I sent the email to regarded my honesty as ‘bashing’. I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. I think I have a PhD in bashing, and this was far from that activity. I don’t know if I hit a nerve, or she just didn’t want to hear what I had to say.

Burning bridges is not easy, but I will do it. And I did. I feel better and worse at the same time. But not sorry or regretful.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2010-12-04 21:16:49 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

I don’t know if you noticed, but I really get upset when men treat women like whores. What brings this to mind? Today, I decided to go get a beer and some nachos. (The kids are with their dad, can you tell?) I went to a new place in town called the Tilted Kilt. GREAT beer, great atmosphere, really nice people, but they won’t be getting any of my business, not as someone who plans lots of happy hours, tweetups, and get togethers. Why? Well, let’s take a look at how they dress their waitresses;

I’m not saying the waitresses are whores, just that they are making some poor choices. I am saying the the owners of his chain need to be slapped upside the head, then kicked in the nuts.

I know, I know, I’m sensitive because I have an 11 year old daughter. But I have never even set foot inside a Hooters, even before I had kids. That is how strongly I feel about this.

Are you selling sex or beer? Don’t do both.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2012-07-08 23:30:11 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

Note: Another great image that I found that kind of sums it up. Also, you can see me semi-naked here. Go ahead click, you know you want to. For those who heard me today on the Dan Rodricks show and are looking for more information, go to my landing page here.

4 lies a day?! I’m pretty sure I lie that much before I make it out the door in the morning. And sometimes I really am fine, and sometimes telling you how I really feel isn’t what you want to hear.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2010-11-14 01:47:08 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

I think this says it all:

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Social Pollen, LLC

[2157]]

Daily Rant – Halloween Style

Last modified on 2010-11-01 02:42:12 GMT. 7 comments. Top.

Halloween is over. The kids have taken off their costumes, played Candy trader, and buzzed around working off their sugar high. I know that the kids days celebrating Halloween are almost over, so we enjoy it while it lasts. I LOVE Halloween, but even so I think there are some things that can we agree on. Here are 10 things that drive me crazy about Halloween:

10. I don’t like Snooki on TV. I totally didn’t need to see like 10 of her with in 5 sqaure blocks in DC on Saturday night.

9. Slutty costumes. If you are under 18 or over 35, I think we can agree it’s a bad idea.

8. Candy Crimes- Things like Laffy Taffy (banana flavor, are you KIDDING me?!), smarties, and Candy Corn are things that should be banished from the Halloween buckets.

7. Parents on cell phones. Can we agree that the one time that your kids are roving the streets after dark is the one time maybe you shouldn’t be distracted by your cell phone?

6. Taking your dog with you. I’m not scared of your dogs and neither are my children, but many children are. Plus the younger the child, the more overwhelming the experience, let’s not add a hulking beast to the mix.

5. “We don’t celebrate Halloween” disclaimer. I get it. In an effort to get your ass into heaven you have become the biggest kill-joy EVER. Fine. But either you are giving out candy or you aren’t. Tying a disclaimer to your candy in an effort to save your ‘Godliness’ is pretentious. And I think we all know how much I love that particular quality.

4. Trick-or-treating for your child. If your child is under a year, dressing them up in a costume is fun, but taking them trick-or-treating is pointless. At 2, they can go about a dozen houses, then they’re done. And let’s be honest with ourselves, you aren’t going to let them have much, if any, of that candy at all. Take that child out of the cold.

3. Trick-or-treating with a garbage bag. Can we please send our children out with something BESIDES a garbage bag. It doesn’t have to be great, maybe a reusable store bag, or a satchel? I mean, let’s class it up a little, folks.

2. Trick-or-treating without a costume. A little effort please?

1. Trick-or-treating past 14. Really, 14 is it. Older and I’m going to assume you’re being a douche. A teenage douche, but a douche nonetheless. There are plenty of things for people of all ages to do, but trick-or-treating isn’t one of them.

Otherwise, all bets are off. Now, if you don’t mind I need to stealthily raid my daughter’s bucket for Snicker’s.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant- Marie Claire Style

Last modified on 2010-10-27 02:02:53 GMT. 5 comments. Top.

Read this article? If not, take a moment. It’s REALLY offensive, and I’m offended. (First, a caveat (isn’t there ALWAYS a caveat?!) Marie Claire can publish what they want, and the author can write what she wants- this rant is about the ATTITUDE associated with the article not the actual writing of it).

If you haven’t noticed there is now a caste system in place in the United States. The upper caste gets better jobs, better pay, better boyfriends, and better clothes. The lower cast is treated as if they are lazy (no matter how hard working they are), incompetent (regardless of degree or career), and ugly (no matter how beautiful they are inside or out). I’m talking about the thin vs. ‘fat’ castes. For most of us, there are no such divisions. We are grown-up and mature enough to not see those divisions and see the beauty in everyone. But not Marie Claire. Maire Claire thinks we are ‘fatties’ and we shouldn’t be seen in public. EVER. And that’s not the BEST PART. The best part is the author likes to hide her prejudice behind the the nonsense of concern over her ‘health’. God, that drives me nuts. You can be healthy at any size and sick at any size. Your health is between your doctor and you, not for some shallow magazine writer to lament over. I call bullshit. (And for record, I am a ‘fattie’ and have my blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol are checked yearly and I have better numbers than some of you, so SUCK IT Marie Claire.)

Dear Marie Claire, why doesn’t your prejudice get a room? And why don’t you celebrate women of all sizes? That you put this under your magazine banner and printed shows that your editorial standards have dropped and you have forgotten the average size of the woman you write for. Fix it. Now.

I’m linking this with my Blogger Body Calendar project where we are writing about this as a group. I encourage you to do the same. If you’re not a writer or you have other things to write about then participate in our Flickr Project. It’s awesome.

And your awesome, not matter what size you are.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2011-05-05 15:42:45 GMT. 3 comments. Top.

GQ is a magazine for guys. Got it. I also get that Lea Michele, Dianna Agron, and Cory Monteith are 24, 24, and 28 (respectively). But GQ, honestly, first you hire Terry Richardson, who is allegedly a borderline pedophile, according to this story. Then you have these actors who PLAY HIGH SCHOOLERS prance around in underwear in sexually explicit photos.

First, not every person needs to be ‘sexed’ up. I don’t know if you noticed but these stars seem to be fairly successful without all the pin-up (I am being charitble) poses. Second, they play HIGH SCHOOLERS. (Here is the link to the photos).

When GQ goes under, like most print will, I won’t shed a tear.

Also, Mark Salling? Your new song? Just, no.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant- Logo Style

Last modified on 2010-10-21 13:41:18 GMT. 0 comments. Top.

Seen the latest Gap Logo. No? Why don’t you take a look….

Isn’t that awful? God awful, really. It’s almost like the executives saw how much it would cost to have a real designer do it, and hired someone’s cousin instead. Like this post from Clients From Hell. What gets me is that this stuff usually goes through some sort of focus group before unveiling. Did they serve ‘special’ brownies at this focus group? Know what looks good when you’re stoned? E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. (Oh, that reminds me that I need to get my Xanax refilled before my near death experience flight to Vegas next week.)

This monstrosity of a logo has inspired so much hatred that it is sure to be rolled back. But not before we get a good laugh at the Gap’s expense.

The real sadness is that this is not The Gap’s first marketing mistake this year. Remember this?

(If you don’t get it, it implies that only beautiful people should be allowed to wear shorts).

It might be time to hire a new ad agency. Now.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2010-10-04 01:51:20 GMT. 5 comments. Top.

Dear Ex-Husband-

Quit being an ass. Your attitude is making things 10 times harder than they have to be. Yes, I AM taking advantage of your offer to pay for things for the kids (on top of the generous child support you give me). I feel that since you have checked out of their lives (80% by choice and 20% by circumstance) you can pay for whatever they need. And that shit you said about how they told you I said you have all the money. Lies. I’m not in the mood. You are not my concern. Your feelings are not my concern. If I ask you to pay for something, don’t give me a diatribe about how I am being a money grubbing bitch, just say yes or no. I’m not going to go to the kids and say “No, your dad won’t pay for it.” That’s not who I am. Get over yourself. I’m tired of your accusations and innuendo. Move on.

Sincerely,

Me

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant

Last modified on 2010-09-25 18:46:57 GMT. 4 comments. Top.

Dear Delta-

Suck it. Seriously. I HATE to fly. I mentioned that, right? So, I had to fly to Atlanta this weekend. To work. Let me repeat that, TO. WORK. All weekend long y’all. There was no taking some Xanax for me, I went from my flight to a fight with the hotel to a meeting. I had to be At. My Best. For the fight, the meeting, I was all, meh. Point is- No Xanax for me. This made the flight ‘interesting’ Also? Hell. Especially as we are descending into Atlanta and our plane went into a free fall for a whole…………………………………………………………………second. A whole second. Enough time for me to suck in air so I can start to scream. I didn’t get a chance to to scream, but as you know- that is not my POINT.

Free-fall.

A whole second.

I am walking home. W-A-L-K-I-N-G.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Social Pollen, LLC

Daily Rant/ Girls Night Out

Last modified on 2010-09-20 02:29:30 GMT. 2 comments. Top.

There I am, out with some friends. (It was technicality a Girl’s Night Out, arranged by carabee- but I used the occasion to celebrate my birthday- cause I like to make things all about me.) And not one but TWO rants came out of it:

ONE- I get a text from my ex “Where r u, the kids don’t know when they will c u” Appartently, he had called the kids shortly after I left and he asked what was going on- and they tell him I’m gone. Not ‘out’, not ‘gone to dinner’, no, no, no- I’m GONE. And, of course, my ex is like WTF? and texts me to see what is up. I text to let him know that I have just left the house and will be back in two hours. I understand his concern. What I DON’T understand is how my kids- who I fed dinner, got in the shower, reviewed ’rules for when I was out’, and kissed goodbye- could count me as ‘gone’ three minutes after I walk at the door! I feel the love, y’all, I feel the love.

TWO- (To understand this you have to understand that many of the restaurants in downtown Baltimore are in old houses. These are not spacious dining rooms, people, your next table is almost certainly going to be, uh, closer than you expect). Mysterly, in the middle of dinner the diners next to us get up and switch seats. But they don’t just do it quietly, oh, no, no, they get up suck face- we’re talking FULL ON TONGUE- and then sit down. I did NOT need to see that.

But the food was awesome, the company divine, the conversation fun. I had a great time, and hope to do it again soon.  Which Cara may have cottoned on to when I dropped to my knees on the way out and begged her tearfully to do it again soon. I miss adults, y’all.

Missing from this photo is @dipaolamomma who had to duck out before I could take a photo.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Social Pollen, LLC